I'm writing. I'm writing because I'm not sure what else to do. I've cleaned, I've seen friends, I've read, I've TRIED to eat but it didn't stay down for very long. It's been one mangy day and it feels like it's been forever. Though, I am proud of myself. I haven't texted her. I haven't called her. I haven't looked at our pictures that are still on my phone. I haven't been torturing myself. And I must say that's a pretty decent step towards recovery. You see, I kind of view this as an addiction. I'm having withdrawals. I'm shaky, sick, carrying around a pair of bloodshot eyes and a look of someone empty. But like every addict, I'll pass this. I'll be able to focus on myself and what I need this time. I won't allow myself to get so carried away in someone elses life. See, that's where I fucked up. I had such a tunnel vision going that all I saw was me and Nikole. Together. Not me, nikole, AND me and nikole. I had this problem before with her. And I stopped it once. I'm stopping it again. And this time, I've made a true promise to myself to never become like that with anyone ever again. Regardless of whether it's someone else, or if it's Nikole again.
It's not healthy. It's exactly what caused this turnout. Now, I'm not saying it's completely my fault. We both had issues that needed some repairs. Not a change. I would never change her. I love(maybe loved?) her for who she is. But there's definitely some bits missing from both of us. And I was willing to grab a wrench and replace whatever pieces we were missing. But ah, don't things suck when it's only one sided? She wasn't willing to do that. She didn't want to try anymore. And I don't hate her for it. I wish I could. I pray that I'll be able to be angry about this. Maybe it would help me to get over her faster. Or maybe it would just make me vengeful. I have so many people telling me I should be angry. But nope. Not sweet, kind, compassion Kels. Here I am still defending her. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and wishing only good will on her. Who does that?
Who comes home to an empty room and a broken heart, only to wish the best of luck to the person who did the damage? -Raises hand- This guy. But I've considered all options. I've thought of her never coming back again. And it hurts. It's a pain that makes me feel like I'm dying. But here's the improvement. I know I'm not. I know I'll live through this and look back and know what I should and shouldn't do. I'll remember the pain and continuously use it as a boost to help me through whatever else I fall into. Except this time, I'll get up when I fall. I wont grovel in the dirt and beg for someone to be with me who obviously doesn't have it in them to try anymore. But like I said, I have thought of options. I've thought of her coming back like she did before. And I know exactly what I would say and do. It wouldn't be like last time. Oh no. A ring would not get me back this time. Here's the thing. Last time, I made her prove that she loved me still. This time, I wouldn't make anyone prove anything. I'm not even sure if I'd even CONSIDER taking her back. I may be done with this and just not know it yet. But instead of having the other person prove their worth, I'd make sure it was a team effort. That we both would be able to say, and show, that we love eachother. Till the end this time. No giving up and no running away. I'm not saying she'll come back. I don't think she will. And that's fine.
Because as of right now, I'm done. I won't be fooled three times. And I still have work to do. I need a lot of me time to figure out what is it that I really want in life again. Who I want to be and how I want to do it. I need to focus on myself and love myself before I jump into anything. Whether it be with Nikole, or another person out there. All I know is that if I'm thankful for one thing, it's that by her doing this, I'm stronger. I have learned. Again. And surprisingly, it hurts more than the first time. But I do know that I'll be okay. I just have to chase away these voices and gain control. And hold onto that control.(that's my biggest problem) But this time, I will do it. No more hopes. I WILL make this happen. And I will NEVER allow myself to be an attached psycho who completely forgot about her friends. Which sadly, I did. And I could never be more sorry for doing so. It was my fault. I became a bit psychotic. I not only smothered the girl I loved with my shit, but I also basically held her down by her throat. Gross. What a sick person I became. But not anymore and never again. Kelsey is back. She's here for good. And she won't ever be that ugly demon again.
I do miss you. And I do love you. I'm still IN love with you. And maybe one day we'll find eachother again. Maybe. I could be writing something completely different in a week. But as of right now, it's a maybe. And even though you hurt me more than anyone else ever has, I'll always be around. I'll be there when you absolutely need me to be. But I can't give you a friendship. It would be fake. And no one deserves to have someone stick around feeding them false information while having an ulterior motive. But maybe one day I'll be able to. Maybe...
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