Tonight is the first night that I can't look at you. I can't check your facebook, text you, nothing. There is no contact between us and I don't know how long it will be like this. It could be a week, a month, a year, or forever. I'm not really sure. What makes this so difficult to do is the fact that you knew me better than anyone else. I told you things I've never told anyone. You knew my deepest darkest secrets and I had to let go of you. And that's what kills.
You see, I love you. I was willing to put up with you. But you only found reasons to leave. No reasons to stay. I, on the other hand, regardless of everything, always found reasons to stay. And why? Because I love you that much. But that's a love that has to leave me. I can't hold on to something that doesn't want to stick around. Nor even try to. Everyone has their issues. I definitely do. But I was willing to help you through yours. To be there and deal with it all. Who else is going to do that? But then again, maybe you'll find someone that your issues won't even come into play. And a part of me hopes you do. Another part of me hopes it will be me. Just somewhere in the future.
We both need to find ourselves. What I mean by that, is that we need to find who we are again while we're alone. Without leaning on each other. And I'm sorry, but I couldn't handle the possibility of you leaning on me for anything right now. If you were to lean, I'd try to hold you until the rest of our days. But if I were to hold you, you'd make me feel like I was holding you down. And I don't want to feel bad for loving someone that strongly. I don't deserve it. So, I had to leave. I had to say goodbye. I need to heal. Properly. And by trying to be your friend so soon, I would have stayed latched onto you. And I refuse to be another leech in your life. I also refuse to be around when it's convenient. You're not a bad person. Not at all. You're a great person. Amazing even. But you have a lot of things to work on that only you can overcome. It's just that you would have to see that for yourself. And I'm not so sure you do.
I don't hate you. And I hold nothing against you. Well, somewhat. I am bitter. I'm trying not to be but I'd be lying if I said I was perfectly fine. I'm definitely not. One thing that hurts me the most, is the fact that on May 6th, you'll be having a party. To celebrate the fact that you're staying home. Where as I, if anyone were to say "hey lets party on that day!" I'd look at them dumbfounded. I would yell and scream about how that day would not be a day to celebrate. That's a day that's going to hurt. So will the 11th. They're both days that I'm sure I'm going to be quite a mess. But I'll be alright. I'll get over you, move on, and one day find someone else who will look at me and deal with my bullshit. To call me out on it right away and make me listen. Because when you're in a relationship, that's what you do. Even if it may upset the other person, you don't let things get worse and you don't hold it all down. You bring it out in the open and try to find a solution right away. And if that doesn't work, well then atleast you know you did it the right way.
I love you. I always will. And if you ever need me, you know where to find me. But I need to love myself again. I need to gain back my self esteem and not feel bad about voicing my opinion or disagreements. And maybe after all that, we'll find each other again. If the universe wants us together, we will be. If not, then I'll find the right girl another day. Not today, and definitely not anytime soon. But one day. So for now, I wish you the best, my love. But my love, no longer. If you ever need me desperately for anything, I'm a phone call away. But I can't be there like you want me to right now. Just like you can't be there like I want you to right now...
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