Dreams

I think dreams are the most dangerous things when it comes to heartbreak. You spend your whole day doing everything in your power to not think about this person. To make sure you don't contact them or even FEEL like contacting them. Then, it's time for bed. And for once, you're actually tired. And so you sleep. But as soon as your close your eyes, a manifestation of beautiful dreams hit you. Sadly, you don't want those beautiful dreams. You don't want to feel amazing while you sleep, and shitty once you wake up. That's how I feel right now.

My dreams last night were all about Nikole. They varied from us still being together, to her dating someone else, to us finding eachother again years later and falling head over heels for eachother. Which is fine. But here's the part that kills. In every dream, you find yourself doing something that you wish you could do now. I dreamed of kissing her, of holding her, of grabbing her from behind and her saying "mmm behbay!" like she did. All night I had those dreams. And now...I wake up sick. I wake up feeling nauseous, dizzy, confused, sad, etc.

I can't help but hope I'll come home and you'll be on my doorstep. Or my car will be covered with notes saying I'm sorry, I love you, Forgive me, etc. I cant help but WANT to forgive you and have us cry and kiss while we hold eachother. Like we did before. And I know we could. So long as we kept ourselves like this. To stay our true selves. I know I could. I have no doubts. No worries. But you do. I miss you anyway...

I wish. I wonder. But I wish I didn't, and I wonder when I won't. And I hope to stop hoping.