Today has been rough. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm wanting to pull my hair out and scream at anyone who speaks to me. I have so many misunderstandings for this breakup. But I know it all comes down to one thing. You don't want to be with me.
But why not? Because we're toxic to eachother? I disagree. Sure, at times we were. But so the fuck is everyone else! Look at the people around you, around me, around us! No one is perfect. People will have an entire month of fighting but you know what? They deal with it. And why? Because they love that person. And I know you love me. It's just sad that you don't have it in you to try. You don't want to. Why not? Because it takes too much work? Because we broke up once before? The last time we broke up was for the same reasons as well. They're called rocks in the road, speed bumps, obstacles, whatever you want to call them. But you don't leave someone because of them. You work through them and they make the relationship stronger. The people stronger. It also allows the people to know who and what the other person likes. A year and a half seemed like a while, but it's not.
Every single person has them. So whatever it is that you're looking for, good luck. Because our relationship was not bad. It was actually a pretty fucking good one. And believe me. I've spoken to multiple people about it and they all agree. But it takes 2 people to continue a relationship. And 1 person backed out. 1 person had enough and said fuck it. But why? If you still love someone you don't just say fuck it. You don't give up when the going gets hard. You work the fuck through it. So why was I the only one able to see that? Because as real as you are, you're also quite blind...
I'm just having a hard time putting together everything you told me to have it make sense. 2 weeks you felt like this. Okay. Got it. That sucks. But you don't just stop loving someone in 2 weeks. Nor do you decide to cancel and let go of every plan you each had made. You also don't forget the promises. But I was warned. I jumped back into this last time. And people warned me to be careful. And I thought I was. But I also trusted you. You had someone sit there and trust every word that came out of your mouth and still does! Even now! You have fucking torn me to pieces and I'm still here trying to defend you, to find the good in you. But why should I? What good have you shown me? Plenty. But you've also shown me plenty of bad as well. And hey, guess what, I still didn't run! I didn't leave and I didn't numb myself or be cold towards you. I admitted what I did wrong and tried to work through it. You didn't. You shoved it all down until it built up and exploded. Stop shaking the bottle and waiting to see how far until it bursts. Just open it and allow some to flow over. Once it's done flowing over, things always settle. But you don't give it that chance...
Point is, I really hope you don't hurt anyone else. And for some reason, I still think we're meant to be. But that could just be pathetic romance Kelsey talking. Either way, find who you are. Who you really are. Let go of bad habits and stick to your promises. You know that I know you. I know things about you that others don't. And you know that. And that's why I'm saying this. I don't know if you'll read this or not. And I don't really care either way. I'm writing it for me. To release my pent up anger and sorrow. But...I know who you can be.Who you want to be. With or without me in your life. And I know who you're being right now. Be who you truly want to be. Stop looking around yourself and saying "well this is how they are and this is how I'll be." Because that's bullshit. You get to pick and choose the way your life goes. I only hope you choose the one that will make you really happy. Not just somewhat content.
I should hate you...but I don't. And I never will. I just can't have someone in my life who shattered me to pieces and also brought me down enough to question my own sanity. My own soul. If you ever have anything to say, you know where to find me. <3
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