Today was Easter. The day Jesus rose again and all that good stuff. I know I don't sound like much of a believer, but I am. But today, a lot of different things were supposed to happen that didn't happen. The original plan was that I was going to have dinner with my family, and then go to Nikole's house and have dinner with hers. It's a given that it didn't go as planned. And it kind of hurts. I love Nikole. And I love her family. I just didn't realize how much I loved her family until this whole ordeal happened.
You see, Nikole has one thing I never had. People constantly around. Yes I have my own family, but we're not quite as close knit as Nik's family is. And it sucks. Because even if I didn't show it, I was really looking forward to becoming a part of her family one day. Oh! Revelation comin' at ya.
Like I said, I love her family as much as I love her. But...I kind of kept her from them. For a while, I loved being at her house. I never really liked being home. I would volunteer to go to her house and hang out. But then I started to get miserable. Angry, even. And why? Because she had everything I didn't. She had things that I wished I had. I didn't know I wished I had it until I was introduced to it. It is a bit chaotic at times but isn't that what a family is supposed to be like? People who drive you absolutely crazy but you love them regardless? Well, I have that part. But I don't have family to hang out with. To bond with. And that made me jealous. Hey green giant! How's it goin!?
This is something I never told her. I never told her how much I wanted to be a part of her family or how much they meant to me. Why didn't I? Because I felt attached. And that scares me. I have never gotten so attached to someone's family before. Even Mariska. I was with her for a year and sure I had them on facebook, but did we talk? No. Maybe a "Hey how are you?" every now and then but that's really about it. And I think that is what's making this so hard. Because right now, I won't be a part of that family. I won't be seen as family. I'll simply be seen as Nikole's ex. Blech. I hate that word. "Ex"
Not only that, but I so dearly wanted her to be a part of mine someday as well. My family is a lot different from her's though. We're close, but really only on the holidays. We don't call to see how anyone is doing, or how works going, school, etc. I so badly wanted our families to merge one day. To all get to know each other and say that is our family. A huge jambalaya of different people.
And that's what I mean when I say I saw things with her I never saw with anyone. I never saw a significant others family as one of my own, or even joining my family. I just always saw it as two seperate lives. With Nikole, I saw two lives with the ability to merge into one. A beautiful, chaotic, strange family tree that we could all love. Together.
There's much more in my heart as to why I want to be with her. And I'm sure at some point I'll write it down. People may not understand me for being like this. For being so passive about this whole thing. And for still carrying some hope. And that's okay. Because you're not me. You'll never fully understand what I mean or say. But Nikole did. Even when I tried lying to her about it. She was right. Almost every time. And I want her back. So I'll try. But I'll try with no expectations and no guarantees.
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