I'm not too sure what's been going on with me. With me? Maybe with us. Us? Maybe everything. But like I said, I truly have no clue whats going on. You see, I've been very angry lately. Angry and marred. I know most of it is probably stress, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I never hang out with anyone anymore. I don't get away and vent, or go out with the girls to dinner and just talk. It's not Nikole's fault, mind you. I just don't have as many friends as I used to.
I lost a friend of mine not too long ago. And no, not to death. She was going through a very rough time. She had her heart broken and her emotions were all jumbled. So, she decided to drink. Now, I do understand that everyone has their own way of coping. I do. But I saw someone I cared about so very deeply break down every ounce beauty that they carried. And I couldn't handle it. It killed me to see my best friend do that to herself. And though I felt such a large amount of pain, I shoved it all down. I went on as life was okay. As though everything was as it were. But it wasn't. Nothing was the same. I, myself, was not the same. I started to become very angry. Very resentful. Towards everything and everyone.
I never hurt anyone though. I didn't drink, do drugs, or any other substance to cause harm. Well, if you include a lot of smoking, then sure, did a shit ton of damage. But see, these are all physical. You can feel, or see, or touch the destruction. What I didn't notice was that I was hurting someone emotionally. I was unleashing all my demons on my significant other. I was constantly arguing and battling over the most minuscule moment. It didn't matter what it was, I had to feel superior in some way. But I was also scared. Scared that someone else would leave me and I would have no one. Even if it meant making that other person miserable. Now, like I said, I didn't realize I was doing this until recently. But alas, if you shake a bottle of soda, at some point it's going to burst. And my did it burst.
So many emotions caught up in a bubble of misery allowed it to go on this long. And so, we talked. We talked! What a great idea that is. Why was I oblivious to such a simple solution in the first place? Because I allowed myself to be blind. I was so caught up in the dark of things, that I completely ignored every speck of light that was granted. You see, the thread I had attached was far too close for comfort. I had become nothing more than a miserable leech sucking away the good in her. And let me tell you, she's by far the most amazing woman I've ever come across. ESPECIALLY if she can put up with my shit. I'm not easy to live with, mind you. So once again, she amazed me again.
She didn't leave. She strayed, yes, but she didn't leave. The solution is simple. Well, sounds simple. We need space. We need to not be attached at the hip. At first, I knew it was a good thing. But I wasn't completely happy with it. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted someone to share my misery. But how selfish of a person! Just because it's pouring on my side, does not mean I have to steal another person's umbrella. And so, I told her to go. To go and have fun with her family, her friends, anyone that could steal her attention other than I. As for me, I went out and saw friends. I saw a few people I hadn't seen in a while and what a breath of fresh air it was. To hear and see another person laugh and smile and rejoice at the fact their within great company!
It may have taken me a while, my dear, but I see what needs to be done. What WILL be done. And though I'm sure we'll come across more rocks in the road, I am happy that I get to pick them up and skip them across the waters with you. You are my sanity within my insane moments. And I promise to try and be yours as well. I truly love you in every way, shape, and form. And though the words may be simple and come across routine...I love you more than I could ever love anyone else. I am yours, and yours only, for as long as you want me.
As for anyone else reading this, expect to hear more from me. I've found out the hard way that living without some sort of outlet can actually fry the brain. My vocabulary has gone WAY downhill and has also cost me my sanity. For the time being, that is. But I am back. And instead of HOPEFULLY staying this way, I WILL stay this way. I won't transform into a demon of misery and anger. If I wanted to become like my father, he would still be in my life to this day. No. I'll become my mother. An angel most times, a demon when needed. But always compassionate and understanding regardless of what's going on. Thanks for reading.
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