Oh what a day. Worked the longest 5 hour shift EVER! Even my supervisor was dying to leave haha. Not only that, but I got hit on. I don't know what happens when you're single, but I definitely don't want to be hit on right now. Sure it's flattering, but you're not the person I want so back off. K thanks! Haha.
But on to the heavy. So within those 5 hours, I had time to think and re-evaluate myself. And this is what I realized. All those times I said "Oh, I understand you need your space." or "I know. You need to hang out with your friends. I get it." Um...where was the I in all of this? What about Kelsey? Well, I wasn't thinking of myself. At all, obviously. I was thinking of her. And only her. That's unhealthy. And creepy. It's understandable to think of your significant other a bit more than other people around you. But that's the thing. It should only be a bit.
You shouldn't revolve your world around them. Because more than likely, they're not going to revolve around yours. And who would? There would be no cycle. Just a constant game of back and forth to the same routine. Yes, yes, once you're with someone things start to become a bit routine. But ah, there's that word again. A bit. Well folks, I went over a bit. I was full speed all up in her grill and business. Blech. Seriously, thinking about it, really makes me feel slightly sick to my stomach.
I know who I am again. And I know who I became. I wasn't myself and why would she want to be with someone who wasn't being who they were before? I get it. I do. And like I said in previous blogs, I'm going to try my hardest to keep the promise I made. But the promise and actions that I gave out have to be proven wrong. I have to show the real Kels again. I'm not sure how I'll do that. But I will try.
Why am I trying, you might ask? Well. My gut is telling me to. My heart is telling me to. Even my brain is telling me to!! But I'm also being smart about it. I'm taking it slow and not rushing. This time, I'm not only giving her space, but I'm also giving myself space. I need to become myself again. And until I can fully say "Hey! I'm here! I'm back! Sup!" then it's obviously not time.
We'll see how things play out. But either way, I'm going to live. I still love her. Deeply. And I would do anything for her. But she was right. Neither of us should have to change in order to be together. Well, I changed. I didn't change for her or because of her. I literally transformed into a demon and someone who should be locked away in a room with padded walls and maybe a restraining coat. Kinky! But truly, that's who I became. But that's not who I am. It was more of a temporary loss of sanity. But I am recovering. I'm taking my meds and I've stopped writing(hitting) on the walls. I'm also not angry anymore. Like...at all. About anything. I'm learning how to control my thoughts, temptations, and anger. And I'm proud to say I'm doing a pretty damn good job.
I just hope you let me show all this to you. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for myself. But it would be absolutely amazing to show you the same girl you originally fell in love with. And show you that she's not going away this time. The real Kelsey is back, baby! And I'll say that a million trillion(multiplied by 5) times.
Making a decision to change from unhealthy to healthy is always a good thing. It's hard but so worth it. That said, it takes 2 people to create a relationship and 2 people to destroy it. Their are no victims here , only people who allow certain behaviors. You may have reverted to unhealthy behaviors but you are not the bad guy here, there is none. Sometimes things don't work out and the best we can do is learn , grow and let go. I am so proud that you are looking at yourself and willing to make changes . Please don't demonize yourself . There were 2 people in this relationship , own whats yours and allow the other person to own theirs. Or not but remember you are loved and it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself ! I Love you !
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