Simultaneously

My world is burning down
But it is also rising from the ashes.

I'm not sure who I am anymore. Whether or not I like it. Frankly, I'm not sure whether or not I like anyone else. This year was tough for various reasons. Now, I could point fingers, place blame, and intoxicate this post with bitterness but I won't do that. Not today. Instead, I accept it. The broken friendships, the broken hearts, the mistakes I've made and the things I thought about but didn't do.

Nothing ever really stays the same. Friendships, relationships, life in general. I was a shitty person and so was everyone else. But we go on without regret. Why? Because as much as we look back and hate the mistake, did the outcome really affect us negatively? Maybe. Or maybe not.

That night that I fucked around with that person in a drunken haze, I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up with a slight recollection and had to go through the foggy memories to figure out what really happened. Due to such, I hurt someone that I never meant to hurt. And at the time, I said some things I didn't mean to say. But did it kill me? No. Did the world stop, turn, and set me ablaze? No.

A few weeks later, I found out what story was told on another side and I was hurt. Not because of the fact that the person told the other. I was hurt because the person told the other a different story. One that strayed far from the truth but was considered honest and open compared to my vindictive and viral behaviour. But sometimes, word of mouth means much more than the person you knew and loved. And that's okay. I'm no saint. At one point, I tried to act like I was. I was a constant victim stuck inside a war that I was actually creating.

Regardless of truth or lie, I was there. I did what I did. I shouldn't have let it happen at all to begin with and for that, I am sorry. But I don't regret it. Not because I enjoyed it or anything like that. I'm actually disgusted with myself to this day. Instead, I believe it happened because I needed to let go. Not of one specific thing, but a vast open jar of moments and memories and yearning.

This year, and I'm referring to 2013, I'm taking a different step. My new years night, I don't plan on having a kiss. Not from a friend nor a lover. I've taken a vow of temporary celibacy. Not the kind that waits till marriage because honestly, I just don't have that in me. Sex is wonderful. Meaningless or not.

I take this vow because I don't want to be promiscuous. I don't want a strangers hands touching sacred places or hearing intimate things from me. I treasure myself now. I believe I'm worth so much more than that. I've actually been active on this vow(so I guess it's not necessarily a New Years resolution) for a few months now and I feel wonderful. Albeit, it's difficult. I'm only human and every person has their needs. Beit sexual or not. But I can't keep doing the same sporadic fuck here and there.

As good as that one moment feels, I want more than just a moment. Unfortunately, I can't find that right now. For a while, I didn't understand why. Recently, I realized I was looking for a replacement. That's a very vague way to describe it, mind you. But I was looking for someone to make my heart race the same way other people have. To make my lips quiver and my breath hitch in anticipation. That's going to happen again, but not in the same way. I don't think my hands will ever shake the same way they once did. I don't believe my skin will crawl and tingle from someone elses slight touch. The hairs on my body will lay the same way as they were born and that will be okay.

Why? Because this time, it will be a different being. A different heart. A different personality, eyes, lips, the whole lot.

Nothing and no one will compare to the person I loved so long ago. And I'm okay with that. But until someone brand new or someone very old and slightly forgotten comes walking into my life, I'll keep myself to myself. Physically and mentally. People misunderstand commitment for promises. I no longer look for any kind of guarantee or promise aside from the exclusivity of the relationship. Aside from that, life is full of surprises and I will always be ready.

So, 2012, and to anyone that was in my life this year, if I have hurt you, loved you the wrong way, yelled at you, misunderstood you, got wrongfully angry with you, placed blame and acted like my hands were porcelain and new, or all of the above/etc, I'm sorry. Hurting and tarnishing you was never my intent and I hope 2013 gives you not only what you want, but also what you need.

I'll see you next year, blog.
Kels.

Leaving The Nest

One morning I woke up and I knew. I knew something good was coming but I also knew something was changing. My life had no stability and neither were the people around me. I remember being sad even though I knew it was good. And now I know why. My move to Maryland has been finalized. Conversations of rent and placement and priorities have been endlessly discussed and there's a scent of excitement in the house. But back home, there's nothing there for me. I have maybe two people I can actually trust and the rest have separated their life from my own. Which is okay until I realize that I am blatantly forgotten.

I've tried saying things and giving hints to said people to try and repair what was broken. Sadly, what was broken was unrepairable. And finally, that's okay too. I don't need them. I thought I did, but I don't anymore. Because I'm moving on with my life and it's wonderful. I'm leaving behind my old life and starting a new one. Still as the same person but with different priorities and goals. I won't have to worry about running into anyone or stepping on anyone's toes. There won't be any "maybe one day"'s. I won't dwell on things I've done or regret anything anymore because I won't run into it. I'll be able to live my life new but also reflect on what has happened and use it to my advantage.

This entry is a bit sporadic because I'm really distracted but I guess what I'm trying to say:

It'll be nice to move on with my life, grow, and tell all of you that doubted me, fuck you. Thank you for showing me who my true friends and family are. The rest of you can go to hell and it wouldn't even phase me.

Baby steps, Giant leaps.

There's a beautiful, ugly characteristic about moving on. With anyone. Moving on can consist of leaving one life and leading into another. A life of one person, a moment, a sequence, a friendship, a love, or an entire life. And I used to think it was somewhat beautiful. I guess I still do. Any kind of movement is a choice. But the choice is only for the person committing the movement. What people fail to realize is that whatever step you make, it will effect someone else.

For example, I have stepped without thinking. My feet have sunk into potholes, leaving me with nothing but a muddy shoe and a footprint I'd rather not exist. But low and behold, I continued to mark the streets with those footprints whilst everyone else caught a glimpse of the mistakes. However, I've also dug my toes into the sand and watched the sea erase my mental canvas, thus allowing me to paint something new. Something fresh. And it was glorious.

I remember sharing my internal brush with other painters. Creating this wonderful picture of colors that interacted and danced together. Sadly, it seems as though their limbs grew tired. Those young hands that used to be so still and balanced and beautiful and interwoven slipped from each others grasp. And the wind took them away that night. Or that day. Or that hour or minute.

I speak in metaphor because it's easier to explain loss this way.

This year, I lost more than I have in a long time. I lost love. Well...I guess I lost it long ago. But I finally stopped putting up missing signs. And that was a beautiful moment of movement. There's always pain in letting go but there's also relief. The loss I'm really referring to is that of a platonic standpoint. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm really the one in the wrong with all these people.

But maybe I'm not.

Everyone develops a life of their own at some point. The need to rely and lean fades and surely, I've done this too. I'm not placing blame nor calling myself innocent in any way. Instead, I reflect on what has been lost and possibly why it went missing in the first place. People I was close to less than two months ago, I'm no longer. People whom I have been friends with for years and have lived carelessly with, I've suddenly found myself walking on eggshells around. I have to constantly remind myself not to say a certain thing, not to put a certain song on, not to bring up that one time when so and so did this and that.

I'm a human censor.

Well, anyone who knows me well is already aware that censorship and withholding doesn't stand well with me. I become impatient, angry, and extremely emotional because of it. But it was something I had to do with a best friend. Hell, I'm still doing it. And I don't think she's noticed at all. I don't think she noticed how hurt I was by her words and anger over such a miniscule situation. She stands so tall and preaches about loyalty but it feels like she may have forgotten her own.

And that's the sad part about moving on. You can be the same wonderful person for years and then one day, you wake up and you're completely different. But you don't really notice it. You don't notice it because that's who you are now. You can't witness nor feel yourself change if it's a part of you. I've heard so many people say "No one knows you better than yourself" but I think it's complete rubbish. Personally, I think we're the people who know the least. We're the kids who mistake our identity for something we'd prefer it to be. And while the people around us disintegrate, we question ourselves why.

Why did this person do that? Or why did I do that? Why can't I be here? Why don't I feel happy here? What do I do? We're always so busy asking ourselves questions that we forget we have those people closest to our hearts with open answers. They're just waiting for their turn to speak.

And you can choose to stay in the same place and ask yourself questions...
Or you can choose to pick up your muddy feet and travel into the answers. Into the mouths of those whom love us most.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what you do, you have to move on. From anything and anyone. You just have to choose which direction you want to move.

Not much to say but a whole lot to feel

I haven't written in some time. Not in this nor my journal. And I'm not going to write much right now either.

Nothing is good right now. My family holds so much anger and resentment for me. I can't walk out of my room without feeling like there's someones hands wrapped around my neck. I don't have many friends and it feels like I'm continuously losing more and more. Even the closest ones have distanced themselves. More or less due to their own battles but I guess I'm a part of that too.

The weird thing is that usually, I'd be a mess about all of this. Crying and questioning. But recently, I think I numbed myself. Or maybe turned off my feelings. I can't feel anything but uncertainty and uncomfortable. But I feel no grief anymore. I feel no happiness nor sadness, I guess. I just don't care anymore.

And what makes it all worse is that I don't care that I don't care. It doesn't leave a feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't lose sleep over it.

I tried to die. Instead, I died trying.

And I don't care.

That's cool

Another journal break time. Where do I start? Hm.

Well, Michaela and I were a total no-go. She became really shady so I put an end to it. I wasn't really bothered by doing so. That's become quite routine actually. I can't express to you how many women have gone in and out of my life these past few months. And all by my accord. It's usually the other way around. I get attached, clingy, needy, and allow my desire to consume me. Now, I'm lucky if I'm interested in someone for more than a week. It's cool though. I prefer it this way. I worry about myself and only myself. I don't have to worry about arguments or pain or anger. None of that inconsistent bullshit. Some people say I've grown too comfortable being alone. Well, excuse me, but you're talking to a Gemini. We're extremists. Most of us, anyway. Like I said in my last post, I've found my balance. Blissful, it is.

As for Jaselyn, we're still talking. I'm still unsure of anything when it comes to her. She's not shady, she's honest, and she works her ass off. So much so that it gets in the way of us hanging out. Kinda shitty but I work a lot as well. And come September 18th or so, I'll officially be a manager. It's not that difficult. It's more to remember but not too bad. So I kinda understand where she's coming from. Neither of us will have time, or rather, much of it, but we still find time to text or make a phone call. Which majority of the time is spent laughing. It doesn't matter how bad our days are, as soon as we speak, everything is okay again. We laugh off the stress and it's such a breath of fresh air.

I'm still in a rut though. I'm not in love anymore. With anyone. I have a problem even crushing on anyone. But I can't seem to open myself up. I feel like it used to be so easy and it used to come naturally. Now, I think someone might have to beat my shell open like you would lobster claws. I don't blame anyone for the way I am now. I just kind of grew up into my opposite. Perhaps my other Gemini twin? I don't know. Memories still play games with my mind here and there. They show me all the things I can't allow myself to do with someone else. Kissing, sure. Holding hands, cool. But the cuddling and long staring...yeah. Not happening.

First of all, I hate direct eye contact. I start to feel really awkward and actually get really turned off. And someone who is always texting me or calling me will turn me off 100%. I don't do that to anyone anymore. Hell, I don't even look at my phone half the time. Also, and this is something I grew out of, but what's with girls and their bullshit fantasies of a notebook romance? Okay yeah, it's cute and all that jazz but seriously? Either stop crying and writing to me or get the hell off my porch.

Mind you, Jaselyn is none of those things. Yet. And I really hope she doesn't become that way. I dig attention but stalking isn't something I'm fond of. I've done my fair share of riding peoples asses with my exes and, oh...oh. Excuse me while I puke on the person I was back then. Putrid bitch. Haha.

Living situation time.

I've been trying to save so hard but I feel like I can't get past 800$. As soon as I get a bit farther, I need gas or end up spending money on some other shit. Like cigarettes. Which I'm quitting soon. It's just too expensive. Hopefully with this promotion, I'll be able to get my own place in no time. After having a nice conversation with Terri last night, she helped me put my life into retrospect. I've been really hard on myself lately. With money, family, friends, work, etc. No one has been putting me into a dark corner except myself. A characteristic that really needs to beat it.

Sure, people put me down and shit but fuck em. I just have to work on the whole sensitivity thing. Because lezbihonest, I'm a sensitive bitch. I still cry over shitty movies. For example, Listen To Your Heart is quite possibly the cheesiest, worst movie on netflix and my god, it brings me to my knees haha.

Aside from the routine bullshit, I don't really have any complaints. My life is beautiful in the simplest ways. Guess I'm just searching for another thrill. I'll find it eventually. Maybe in school? Work? Love? The gym? Chipotle? Who knows.

I'm pretty content with the unknown since I know so little of what the future holds.

Oh! Terri and I are getting matching tats on our feet. Both of them. And it's going to take up majority of each foot. Goody. The idea is awesome and so us but fuck, I'm pretty sure my feet is the one part of me with no fat on it. Boney, vein popping things. I'm scared shitless but I'm so excited. We also decided we're going to move together. We don't know where or when, but its a mutual agreement for sometime in the future.

Anyway, my computers fan broke and it's starting to overheat so extremely that my hands are sweating. Gross bro.

Later.

Hi?

I decided to write in this tonight. It's been a while and I think my journal needs a break. I also think it's tired of having unreadable chicken scratch in it haha. Horrible, horrible hand writing.

Anyways.

A lot has happened. Nothing bad necessarily. I guess you could say it's quite the contrary. I got a job so my bank account has really been building. I save just about every penny. Unless it's time for a beer night. Sorry savings, but sometimes a beer is just essential to my day. I got a second job and then found out the next day that I'm becoming a manager at my current job. So I'll be a part time manager and a part time driver. Altogether, I'll be working about 50-60 hours a week. Nothing I'm not used to, though. In Tallahassee I'd work my ass off. I've just never been a manager before. Nor have I been offered the position so it makes me a bit nervous. I'll be okay. I want it enough. It's a bit mind boggling. I've only been there a little over a month and already they're offering me the position. I'm extremely happy. I love the people I work with. 

Especially Randy. He's my other manager and my fellow whiteboy of the store. He's my age and a total sweetie. He's kinda like a brother to me in a way until we start talking about girls. I'm fairly sure the things we speak about, normal siblings don't. I definitely got lucky with this job. It pays the bills and is allowing me to save to get my own place. I'm so excited to live on my own again. I love my family but with Kirra's pregnancy, my mom's constant need to be the membrane of the house, and Glen being a giant potato, I think I'm ready to go back to my life. Also, I really, really, really miss spending time with Emily and a beer on the couch. Poor girl hasn't been used in so long. Her, Naomi, me and Nick need to have a play date when I get my own place. (Side note: Emily is my bowl. Naomi is Nick's bong.)

We'll see what my wallet looks like once this position starts up and I can work out how much I can afford for rent and such. There's a couple people who want to room with me/I want to room with. Dami, Bri, Karytza, Priscilla, and Terri if it's affordable. All of them are amazing people that I can picture myself with. Nick wants to move out too but he just can't afford it. I'd love to live with him. For the rest of my life. Haha! 

Aside from work, nothing else has really been happening. I guess I can tell you about my whole dating situation? 

I've dated a few girls. And dismissed almost all of them. Except two. Jaselyn and Michaela. I'm starting to think I cant date girls with normal names. Shawnda, Mariska, Nikole(she spelled it with a K so she counts), Lilly, and  now these two. Except now I'm in such a rutt. I like Jaselyn for her personality. It's perfect for me in so many ways but I don't know if we'd work out as a couple. Maybe great friends, but the whole relationship thing has me on the fence. As for Michaela, I like her a lot. I think she's interesting and has a really good heart but she's damaged. Her mind is warped with this false reality and the people she surrounds herself with aren't good. At all. Oh hey! That's probably why I like her so much. I love the broken ones. 

But I know that, at some point, I'll find someone. I'm not searching. People just keep walking in and out of my life. I've grown okay with it; Comfortable. It doesn't bother me like I used to. And at least I can honestly say that every girl I've dated(except Shawnda) weren't bad girls. They all had flaws but did beautiful, amazing things for me. Maybe not all the time, and sure, they hurt me here and there. But they aren't bad people. They just weren't meant for me. I'm okay with that. Hell, I'm okay with a lot of things now. I don't regret my mistakes or accidents or pain. Why should I? I learned from it. I started to control myself after my last mishap. My drinking isn't continuously spiraling and my tolerance has actually gone down. 5 beer queer here. 

I don't know. I feel like I've changed immensely. Sometimes I miss the girl I was at 19. Happy, carefree, simple, and didn't give a fuck. But now, I do care. I do what's appropriate in certain places, I'm not obnoxious, I respect people, and when I get angry, all it takes is one long breath in and one long breath out for me to let go of the moment. People don't like my change, but I kinda do. I'm a gemini. I'm full of extremes. But I think I've finally found my balance. My tranquility. 

I don't apologize for every step I take or every word I say. I don't know how else to say it but I've finally begun to paint my own life. And so far, it's beautiful. Even with the blotches and rips in the paper.

Also, to you, yes the usual you, I hope you're doing well. I heard you hurt yourself somehow. I hope you got it fixed up. Hell, I'm not even sure if you still look at this old thing but if you do, I send you and your family all the best wishes. I'm not sure if you're dating or not, it's not really my business. Fuck, okay. Let me just sum up what I'm saying. I hope you get anything and everything you want! Endless amounts of money, popcorn, love, etc. I'm sure I'll run into you and give you a casual wave one day. Till then, old friend.

As for you, blog. I'll see you around. I'm at a loss for words, I have to pee, I'm thirsty, and I need a cigarette. Bet you 5 dollars I smoke before all the rest?

Changes

It's been a considerable amount of time since I've written in my actual blog. Like I stated before, I'm using tumblr more than anything. Though, I use it more for comedic purposes than I do for jotting things down. So I'm sorry, old friend. I didn't mean to neglect you of words and feelings. But I'm here now!

So where do I start?

I guess I'll start here.

Things at home have been okay. Some days are really good and I'm really quite happy I'm home. Other days, I regret the decision entirely and ask myself why I even bothered. I feel like I'm constantly contradicting myself when it comes to my decisions. Both past and present.

My mom is doing well but work is really starting to get to her. 

Glen is still the lazy arrogant fool but I'm doing my absolute best to ignore him.

Manny, Kirra and the baby have settled in quite nicely. We haven't gotten into any real arguments yet. Just subtle and fun nitpicks here and there. Oh, and Kirra is pregnant again! I believe she's at 2 or 3 months now but I could be wrong. I think she's almost done with the first trimester. I say this because her hormones haven't made me crazy recently. She took a gender test, the ones you get at walgreens, the other night and it said it'll be a boy. My mom is convinced otherwise but I guess we'll see when the doctor can actually tell us. I would love a nephew but another niece would be fantastic as well. I would've told you sooner, blog, but there's an old wives tale that it's bad to speak up about it before it hits the 3 month marker. I only told those close to me when I first found out. 

As for me, things have been rough but also smooth. I feel like I've been indirectly pissing people off lately but I'm just at a point in my life where I don't care. I know who matters and I know who is meant to be in my life for the long run. Though, it is hard to deal with. I'll admit that I've slipped up a couple times with old bad habits. Well, maybe they're not that old because I kept slipping up. I don't really bother with apologies anymore. To myself or to anyone else. Not because I don't feel remorse, but because I can't guarantee it's something I'll never do again. There are things I haven't repeated though. Moments that I'm not proud of but will eventually get over. I've hurt people because of some of my decisions and for that, I am sorry. But at the same time, it already happened. There's nothing I can do to take any of it back.

It's weird to me though. I used to cry and cut over such minuscule situations but now I bare it with nothing but a simple shrug of the shoulders. Jeez. Try saying that three times fast! Back to what I was saying. For example, I've become very distant with quite a few people. There's a few who I don't even talk to anymore. Mainly because I don't want to but one situation couldn't be helped. I believe everything happens for a reason. Am I'm happy about everything? No. Am I proud of the way things turned out? Not really. But regardless, it happened. And I sincerely believe it was meant to. 

I've been job hunting a lot. I finally scored an interview for today at 9:30 in the morning. It's about 2am right now so I'm hoping I don't look too dreadful when I wake up. As soon as I have a steady job and paycheck, I'll be saving up to get my own place. My own place. Not because I don't like having roommates or anything. I'd just rather worry about myself and only myself. I don't want to be stressed because someone doesn't have rent or utility money on time. 

Which leads me to my biggest change.

I've always been one to take shelter within the friendship of others. Being alone both romantically and platonic-wise was never really my strong suit. But now, I'm happier being by myself. I still like to go out and have a good time here and there, but I'm just not in the mood to tear the streets up anymore. I'd much rather stay inside and read a book or watch a movie. And as for my love life, it's actually been annoying. When I was open to the idea of dating and trying to be with someone, there was a very select few who tried to get inside. But now that I'm happy being alone, I feel like girls are just circling me as their prey. And because I don't feel like being with anyone, I have to deal with them saying "You didn't give me a chance" or "Why am I not good enough?" or "You don't know what the hell you want". Um, I definitely know what I want. And I always try to explain it to them in the nicest way I can. I want to be alone! I'm going back to school in the fall, taking 3 or 4 classes, and I'm going to graduate. After that, I plan on getting out of here. If that doesn't happen, I'd much rather just focus on myself and those I call family. 

People seem to have a problem with me being selfish. When, in reality, I'm not being selfish at all. I'm just worrying about me and only me for once. I'm not getting involved in the gossip, drama, or pity parties. I'm still there for the people who are close to me but I don't bother with others anymore. I no longer throw myself at peoples feet for attention or time of day. I'll be there if the person states that they need me, but I'm not going to sit there and pull it out of them. 

I do wish people would stop telling me certain things though. I get that people need to vent and apparently I'm a great listener, but there's just certain situations and certain people I have no need, nor want, to hear about. But I guess that's life. Dealing with things we don't want to deal with until one day, we just don't care about them anymore. What starts off as dealing becomes absolutely nothing. Because you just stop caring altogether. I would get specific but it's irrelevant and I'm not sure who reads this thing nowadays. 

That's all I feel like writing right now and its probably for the best. I have to wake up in just a few short hours and I need to make sure I'm surrounded by positive energy. Goodnight my dear blog.

Letting Go For Good

First off, I'm sorry I've neglected you blog! I've actually been using tumblr quite a bit. I guess it's time I give you an update.

Well, I'm back at home and as nice as it is to see and spend time with my family, I'm ready to be on my own again. These rules, restrictions, opinions, and ways of doing things are just overbearing. But who am I to complain. I chose this right?

Other than that, things have been pretty slow. I've been job hunting and will continue doing so tomorrow morning. Hopefully it won't be so damn hot again! I've also been talking to someone. I'm kinda crushing but she seems to be very back and forth with the games. I'm not too sure why. I made it very clear to her that if she started to do this, I'd back off entirely. And so I have. She messages me here and there and likes just about everything I post on facebook but like I said, no games. I'm too old to be dragged back and forth again.

I'm happy though! I thought moving down here would be a bit more difficult than it's been. Not with the job hunting or anything. More so with my feelings. I thought seeing and being around Nikole, or even being in the area, might make things harder on me. But to be honest, they haven't! And I'm so happy about it. I feel like, if anything, I'm just about over her. Albeit, I did hit a mirror while being drunk and seeing her with her new lover but that's not the real reason why I hit the mirror. I hit it because the person I was talking to in that mirror was telling me that me being jealous was okay. That I should keep loving her and not give up. Fuck that. So I hit it. I wish I could explain further on here. Give it more clarity as to what I mean. But you would all think I'm crazy.

As I've gotten older, things are changing. The things I see and hear and have known since I was a kid, it's becoming clearer each day. Like going from an old TV to HD. And it freaks me out. So I'm actually going to see someone a friend of mine recommended. She's gonna help me figure this all out and help me "gather my levels" whatever the hell that means. I spoke to her a bit. And she said once I have my life in order, she wants me to go somewhere else for a while. Like I said, I'd really like to give you more clarity but that requires believing. And most people don't.

Back to what I was saying before.

I know there will always be a part of me that cares. That loves. And if she were to call me with some kind of emergency, you best believe I would be there for her. Everyone deserves that person. But I wouldn't be there like I was before. And I will never ever allow someone to pull me around like that. Even if she didn't mean it, it's what happened. And I've promised myself I'd never let it happen again. And it won't. I've definitely changed. That's what I mean when I say you don't know me. You don't know the sides of me that have changed because those are sides you'll never see again. That doesn't mean we're friends or that everything is okay. It's not. And maybe it never will be. And that's okay too. I hope one day we can be friends but I'm not going to put all the effort into making it happen. It has to be equal. So until there's a day where we can hang out, just us, and go to the beach or to lunch or whatever and be JUST friends, don't expect to hear from me much. I'm done playing games. With everyone. Including you.

I'm glad you're happy though. And I hope you continue to be. Sincerely. One day, I'll find happiness when it comes to love and loyalty. Today just isn't that day. And I'm perfectly fine with that. :)

Welcome home?

I don't think the feeling of actually being back has set in yet. I feel like I'm just visiting. Like I'm gonna leave soon and go back to work and a lonely city. But not this time. It's bittersweet, really. I miss my house up there. my room, my living room. I miss living on my own. It's been two days and I miss it already. Ha! I wonder how I'll feel in a month!

It's nice seeing my mom, though. It's also fun to annoy her again. I get bored so I decide to bother her. What else is there to do!? Haha. But I know she secretly loves it. It's a feat she misses when it's not so accessible. So far, I've seen Terri and Amanda. It was nice to see both considering I love them so much. But after not seeing Amanda for 5 months, our reunion was long overdue. I feel like she got taller. Or maybe I got shorter. But I feel a definite height difference.

Anyway.

She's grown so much! I know I'm only a year older, but we've always been on a different level of life experiences. Spain treated her very well and so did all the other countries she visited. And she's 21 now! Finally! My booboo is all grown up. I'll be taking her out this week for drinks in various bars. I'm excited!! And cuddle time will definitely happen on more than one occasion. It's fascinating to think I've known her for so long. 16/17 years. That's mind blowing. And I absolutely love it.

After she left, I immediately went to go see Terri.

I don't know what it is with us, but whenever we see each other, all the problems suddenly go away. And when we start to bitch, we don't hesitate to tell each other to shut the fuck up, this is how it is, this is how it's gonna be, let it go. Haha. She fed me pizza and beer. Not exactly healthy but considering the circumstances, I wasn't going to deny such wonderful hospitality. We sat outside for quite some time smoking cigarettes and talking shit about everything. It was nice. I didn't realize just how much I needed to hear her speak to me about certain things. But I did. Even if I didn't like some of it, it make me feel good and alive again.

My first day back and it was breathtaking. I know things are going to be hard for a bit now but I'm looking forward to working my ass off towards the things I want.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I just finished reading my book. I don't know why I didn't read it sooner. I remember hearing about it in high school. In the hallways. The cafeteria. The english classes that had the choice of reading it for a paper. I heard the name everywhere. But I never picked it up.

Until a couple months ago.

It took me a while to actually give it the chance it deserved. But I did. I finally picked it up this week, threw on some Faded Paper Figures, and dove right in. As soon as I read the first page, I figured it'd be like most other books I had read in the past. Starting with the line "Dear friend," I thought 'oh, just another kid writing to his diary about his turmoils, drug abuse, sex addiction, being an outcast, etc.' And I was wrong.

I'm not sure how long I laid in the bath tonight. I lost track of time. But I held onto this book as though I was shaking hands with god himself. The story was quite simple, though I won't say too much about it. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who might read this and then choose to read that.

But here's a summary.

This boy, a freshman in high school, is the most amazing boy I've ever read about. I wish he were real. He's a bit of a loner and doesn't speak to many people. Until he meets Patrick and Sam. Also amazing people. They change his life. They introduce him to a world where conversing with others is comfortable and refreshing. Where being alone isn't always a good thing. And his life fluctuates. It becomes this adrenaline rush of beautiful, ugly, sweet, bitter, wonderful, horrible moments.

That's all I'll really say when it comes to the book itself.

So why am I writing about it?

Because I've never had a book where I felt I gained friends from a simple story. I have traveled the world, met mythical creatures, endured rehab and drug abuse, sex abuse, accidental murder, suicide, I've felt and seen it all through my books. But I never befriended a fictional character.

This time, I did.

As my eyes scanned the pages, I felt like I was there for it all. I was in the room with everyone at big boys, I knew bill and I wrote book reports, I danced at the prom after party, I was there when Patrick and _______ got caught. I felt every emotion. And then I said goodbye as everyone went off to live their lives.

I felt free. Or rather, "Infinite" as Charlie says. I'm not sure if its the way it was written, or the imagery, setting, plot, etc that made me feel like it was my story. But I could empathize on a level deeper than I have before. With every single character. I knew what it was to love someone who doesn't love you, to want to do something, not do it, and then realize later that I probably should have.

Tonight, I'm at peace. And maybe that has a lot to do with what I did today. I finally let go of the last piece. And I didn't have to do it alone. I had nick with me. Who is basically my brother. Or my husband. That changes day to day depending on how we feel or what we do. When we get into small petty arguments as I'm putting food on the table or making him tea for his cold or making sure he's okay through the night, we're an old married couple. But when we just talk and hang out and talk about girls, old and new, we're brother and sister.

Either way.

Today, he helped me let go of so many things by getting rid of one thing.

And because of this eye opening, colorful and beautiful book, I know that I've let go. I let go a long time ago. I was just holding on by a shred. A small piece. But now that piece is gone. Those feelings are gone. And any grasp I once had, I have no longer.

I've grown to appreciate so many people and moments in my life. I'm not bitter or sad anymore. I'm 100% myself again. I realized that when, the other night, I was speaking to a friend and said with the most sincerity "as long as every one is happy, friend or foe, than I can carry a genuine smile. Because honestly, that's all I want. I want people to breathe in colors and paint this world with their speech. I want to look people in the eyes and see nothing but a swirl of hopes and dreams as they smile. Thats all I want. A world full of smiles. They don't have to be for me or because of me. So long as happiness is the outcome. For everyone."

I actually copied that from the text so I'd have it word for word. I know if I didn't, I would've written something along the lines of "PEOPLE GOOD HAPPY YAY" or something. I need to start taking my gecko bologna(Golgi boloba...I think. I call it gecko since I never remember the real name).

I'm still working at this whole "love yourself no matter what" stuff, but I'm happy. I'm still able to laugh and joke, but I appreciate everyone.

And whoever is reading this, whether it be you, or Amanda, or Terri, or Stefy, or anyone else, I appreciate you. I love you. I hope you're happy. I hope you find, and get, everything you want and more. Thank you.

Doubtful Believers

I'm not oblivious. I just act that way. It's easier for me to go about living the way I do if people really believe that I'm that ignorant to obvious facts. But I'm not.

I know when there's a pink elephant in the room, I just ignore it. I know when people don't want me around, I just look the other way. I know when someone doesn't want to be alone with me, but I let that feeling go.

I used to over analyze. And I always knew when I was. But nowadays, I know my gut is always right. It just sucks to think that certain people think I have ulterior motives. I can feel it. And realistically, I don't. I have my own stuff to deal with. I have no time to try and work on other things with other people.

So I'll set this straight.

I want nothing more than friendship. From anyone. If within time something develops, so be it. But I have no expectations nor do I plan on forcing anything to happen. Fate has lead me to where I am. I'm not delicate, dramatic, or juvenile in any way anymore. I know right from wrong and truth from lie.

What is in the past belongs there. I'm not looking to renew anything. I'm at a point where building from the ground up is the most ideal situation.

I've let it go. So why is it that I feel people are still afraid of the old me? If I've let her go, why can't everyone else? If everyone else is allowed to change and become a new person, why can't I? Where's my benefit of the doubt? I wish someone could answer this for me.

What if what ifs didnt exist?

It's 1:13 am and here I am, chin sitting in the most uncomfortable position, praying to God I'll get some rest tonight. I haven't been sleeping well for the past month or so. Not much, anyway. There's so much stress at the moment that I sometimes wake up feeling like someone punched me in the jaw.

I grind my teeth at night, incase youre one of the people who don't know.

Though I am happy with the way I've been dealing. I haven't gotten drunk for about 2 or 3 weeks now. I'm slowly killing my cigarette habit, and I've been trying to stay positive every day. I have my moments but everyone does so it's no bad thing, really. The only thing I do now, is smoke weed. Not always. Not everyday. Just here and there when I really need something to calm my nerves. But I don't think it's only the weed. My roommate, Nick, has also been spending time with me, listening to me when I speak/vent. He's seen almost every emotion. Besides crying. He hasn't seen me do that, haha.

Oh I'm rambling.

I am excited to move though. I was really nervous before but I have a lot of people waiting for me back home so it's nice that I have friends like that.

And,

My mom and her friends went to a spiritual camp for a few days. She saw a psychic and, of course, asked her to talk about me.

Well!

This woman was unbelievable. She told my mom of things in the past, the devastation(actually me being really dramatic and young) I went through last year, etc. It was like she was right there with me the whole time. Weird. Anyway, she also said that the move was going to go fine, I'm going to get a job and love it, and that everything will fall how I want it too.

Unfortunately, there's always two sides to each story.

I'm going to come across someone. A new person into the group. And I'm going to hook up with that person, she'll want a relationship, I won't, and that person is going to get pissed and vengeful about it. Apparently, she's gonna try to get my friends against me. Hmmm. That sounds fun! We'll see what happens though. Even if things get rough, I'm not going down.

I'm happy. Even when I complain, I'm still happy. I'm just upset for the moment. But generally, I have everything I need right now and that's all I want.

I had more, and I'm sure I'll read this tomorrow thinking "WTF did I write?!" but that's okay. Because I'm high so I don't expect to write like Robert Frost at the moment. Haha!

Breaking the routine

For majority of my life, I've tried living up to people's expectations. Doing what they say is right, wearing clothes I didn't want to, and being someone who wasn't really me. Albeit, I had my times when I'd show my true colors, but only for people to catch a glimpse. It wasn't until recently that I decided to deviate from my plan of following said routine and go in the complete opposite direction. The place and person that makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Regardless of the time and effort it takes.

I have nothing to lose. People say well, where's you're self respect? Your integrity? Your self devotion? Well, it's there. But it doesn't stop me from doing what I think is right. For me and only me. It's normal for people to freak out over the unexpected, cry over getting the opposite of what they want, and hurt when everything they knew is suddenly gone. It's called confusion. Change makes people uncomfortable because they no longer know what to expect. It used to drive me mad to not know what was going on with whom and where it was happening. But now, I've shed that skin. That's all it was. A veil of an age. But now I know better. Now I'm wiser and less ignorant. My thoughts and self control have reached such a climax, I thought it infinite. It's not. Nothing ever is. We're all bound to break at some point. We just have to remember that it's only a moment. A time to look back on and say "Damn! Did I really do/say/think that way?!" I do. I look back and think to myself that my god, I was so juvenile! Sometimes it even leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That's youth though. It's life. We grow and evolve.

So today, I confidentially say that I'm going for whatever I feel is right for me. It may bite me in the ass but hey, you only live once so why not?

There will be no blank spaces within my painting.

I knew I stopped writing here for a reason.

I won't be posting here from my phone anymore. Apparently there's too many bugs and my posts get deleted. I wouldn't care were it not for the fact that I read what I write at a later date to remind me of how I felt at that moment and how to deal now. I'm not even sure if that sentence made sense. All I know is that I'm taking a break from this place.

Its been quite some time, hasnt it?

I never really write here anymore. I leave my thoughts in my head, or a notebook, or the notepad on my phone. I guess I've become a bit of a recluse with my thoughts. Some I don't mind sharing but others I feel are too deep and intimate to share here now.

I'm not saying I won't write here anymore. I just won't write as much. There's too many eyes. Some of which I don't want to see and read how I'm doing, what I'm doing, and what I will be doing. I guess all you need to know is that I'm doing. I'm living my life the best way I can. And so far, I'm still alive so that must mean I'm doing something right.

I will share one thing. Though, I won't get into specifics as to what I mean, who I'm talking about, and why I'm doing it.

I said things. I meant most of them and some were just written in the moment.

I'm not doing this because I want to. I'm doing this because I have to. There's times where I'd like to come through and see what I've been missing. But I know it's not what I need. Not anymore. And I'm okay with that. Temptation used to control me. Actually, a lot of things/people used to control me. Not anymore though. I control myself and only myself. No one has a power over me anymore. And I'm happy to finally say that.

I'll be around and if one day paths cross, I'll be willing to walk toward you. But until that day comes, I'm glad you're happy doing your own thing. Even if I can't understand it, I accept it. I hold no ill will or grudge against anyone. I say that with complete sincerity.

"I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know."

What do I do?!

Urgh! Nothing is really making sense at the moment. There's so much going wrong lately and it's so frustrating! That, and I have so many decisions to make within the next couple months. Though I'm fairly sure my mind is made up. I feel like it is but I'm automatically fighting that decision.

Why do I do that?! I've noticed I do that quite often. If I feel something else, I do the complete opposite. It's really annoying. I had so much to write here but my mind is such a mess that I don't even want to write now. My blog is not meant to be messy. It's supposed to be a place where I can organize my thoughts and read them with clarity once I've calmed down. Right now, I can't do that. I just really wish I had someone to talk to, vent to, and actually have NEXT to me. I'm sick of phone calls. What's worse is that the people I call friends up here are people I haven't seen in about two weeks now. What's the point of living in such a lonesome place. I may have money, a home, and school, but I'd rather be poor and have friends than be rich and be alone.

Ughhh how bothersome.

Quirkyalone?

I feel like I've developed a problem. Or maybe it's not a problem at all. Maybe I'm just not wasting my time with people anymore. Or perhaps I'm not supposed to be with anyone else? God knows but I sure as hell don't.

Lets get to the point.

So in the past few months, I have tried dating 3 different people. All of which are great human beings and definitely deserve an amazing future, but not with me. No.

And why do I come up with this conclusion? Because none of them pull me to them. Lily is an amazing girl but she's bisexual, doesn't have bright eyes, and she's quite negative. She's an awesome friend though so I'm glad to have met her regardless.

Then there was a girl named Lydia. Needless to say, I couldn't do it. I couldn't even say her name without thinking of my niece let alone try to date her. That, and she was just too damaged for me.

And then most recently, there was Jessie. She's an amazing girl. Very sweet, down to earth, definitely carries characteristics that usually capture me. But for some reason, it's just not enough. She speaks in slang and I just can't handle that. She also writes in slang and has bad grammar. Sorry love. But I am, in fact, a grammar nazi. It's a curse but it happens. She also has too much baggage in her background that she refuses to let go of. I believe it has a lot to do with how young she is. When I was 19, I also held onto things that I laugh about now. I'm more passive now than I have ever been, but I can't take care of someone. I don't want to. I'll be a shoulder, a friend, moral support when you need it, but I'm not going to fix you. Oh, and she's thinking of transitioning. Sorry but I'm a lesbian. Meaning, I only like girls. I don't like men, or half men, or almost men. No. men. for. me. ever. So that basically broke the deal.

I don't know what's wrong with me though. I just don't WANT to date. I don't want to sleep around either. I just want to have fun and not worry about having to take care of someone or having to fix someone. I was broken. I had so much mental damage and I didn't know what to do. People tried to help but in the end, it only pushed them away. Now, I'm fixed. I'm not broken anymore and like I said, I'm passive about things that used to push me to the edge. I think back to who I was, who I've been, and who I once wanted to become and it makes me cringe. Majority of the things I've done not only to myself but to others as well is sickening! It's childish, rude, selfish, and just pathetic.

I think now, more than ever, I understand why me and Nikole never worked out. I was too young. I acted like I knew what I wanted, where I was going, and sometimes I acted like I was a better person. What?! For shame, Kelsey. I am no better than anyone. Not the person who sleeps in a box nor the person whom owns a mansion. I am simply me. Great at times, shitty at others. I'm not saying the initial break up was entirely my fault. There was flaws on both ends. I'm just stating things that seem so long ago but really can be traced to the end of last year.

I think that's quite entertaining, though. The fact that a persons outlook and motivation levels can change in mere months. And, that said person can also change as well. Give me a room to myself, a job where I work hard to pay my own bills, and motivation to keep living and you'll find yourself with a completely different Kelsey than you once knew. Or maybe you'll find yourself with a Kelsey that you once knew and have missed dearly. I guess that really just depends on who you are.

Regardless.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm done with dating for now. There's no one up here for me and to be blunt, it's just a waste of my time right now. I have better things to do than try and fix someone. Fix yourself like I have done to myself and then maybe we'll talk.

And if you're unfamiliar with the term Quirkyalone, here's the definition. And also the person I believe I have come to be. Which is actually working out.

Quirkyalone: Quirkyalone is a neologism referring to someone who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple.

Valentines day

Ohhhh Valentines day. The generic hallmark holiday that I love so much. I do believe it's aimed more towards card companys, the post office, flower shops, and Godiva more so than it is love. But, I still had a great time. Even being single. I went to class, worked a full afternoon, made very good money, and then I headed home. My original Vday plans were to go to FunStation with the girls but they flaked and only wanted to get wasted and go to bulls. I, on the other hand, am getting rather tired of watching people hook up as though they have no dignity.

I'm not saying hooking up is bad. I've done it a few times myself. But for me, each time was a time I wanted to get back. I wasn't happy with myself. I felt like I was 16 all over again. I'm 21, about to be 22, and I feel like I should get my shit together. I know I'm still young. I still have a few things I need to experience, but that doesn't mean I want to knock myself down to what everyone elses standards are.

The whole idea about FunStation(it's like boomers) was exciting to me. For once, we'd all be on the same level and kick it like kids! Go Karts, Mini Golf, Bumper Cars, Laser tag, Arcades. It was something I looked forward to doing for two weeks. The rain ruined all the outside adventures to be had, but the inside still had potential. It was definitely something I needed but unfortunately, didn't receive.

When I got home from work, Christine was playing chef in the kitchen and shouted "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!" As loud as she is, and the many times I tell her to use her inside voice, she was the first person to hear me out that day. To listen to how I felt. And she made me feel ten times better. That night, we had made 4 pizzas, cookies, chocolate covered strawberries, 2 cases of PBR, Vodka, strawberry daquiris, etc. Our house looked and smelled delicious. And my god, it was. Best pizza I've ever had.

The company was also very much enjoyed as well. Everyone was full of laughter and happiness. There was no recognition that we were all singletons! And then I got a call from someone saying they wanted to come over and see me. I was surprised, happy, nervous, and then..I panicked. I went into a complete frenzy to make sure EVERYTHING was clean. My room, bathroom, and car was officially spotless within an hour. I have never cleaned so fast.

She was only here for a couple of hours but it was still fun. My roommates got to know her and actually really enjoyed her. They had nothing but good things to say when she left and it made me happy that she was so easily accepted. There were no "I have a bad feeling about her" or "She seems nice but there's just something about her..."

We talked so much that those few hours flew by. 3 hours seemed to be 20 minutes.

I'm not really sure where this is going, or if it even is, but I'm open to the idea. If it doesn't, that's fine with me. I'm okay with being alone. I'm more productive that way. But, who knows, maybe this will be someone who will work WITH me. Life is a mystery. Lets see if I can solve this one. :)

Once she left, Nick was set on everyone getting absolutely blown. So, of course, we all crowd into his room(his request) and pass around a nice blunt. I originally had no intention of smoking but my temptation got the better of me and the next thing I knew, I could barely hold my head up. I was laughing at everything and interested in every single thing that came out of someones mouth. At some point, I just couldn't handle it anymore. Let me tell you...walking down stairs after smoking sour diesel for a good 45 mins-hour...it was a mission. But I found it funny??? Haha.

Either way. I ended up completely passing out once I reached my room even though I had a movie on full blast volume.

I love my life, my roommates, and everything else God has brought me. I may be going through some rough times with my friends but I'm gaining more family. And family is all you need.

Relief

A lot of things have happened over the past couple days. Problems have been sorted, people have grown, and fruition has finally arisen. Some things I'll speak of here. Others, I won't. Some of them aren't anyones business but my own and the other person involved.

Things are looking bright again though. I went shopping today with Megan and Sam. I got some pretty girly clothes and it was fun! They did their best to get me in a dress but I'm not quite that comfortable yet. Soon, though. Maybe then I'll give it more consideration.

I think it's funny though. The way you end up in a place, you meet someone, and then all the sudden you have a new friend you feel like you've known forever. Something strange is happening. Something good and beneficial. I'm not sure what, but I feel it. And I'm excited to see what it is. I have no expectations though.

I'm just happy. I'm better. And finally, I'm not letting anyone get in the way of the person I am and the person I'm becoming.

I had more to write but I got distracted by something so it threw me off haha. Oh well! :)

Invisible Culprits

Lately, I've been having a bit of a hard time. Not with my job, or school. Not this time. It's something much deeper than that. I'm not going to paint a picture to whomever is reading this. I'm writing this because I don't know how to get rid of it. But if you don't understand, then you don't. And you won't. Though, one of you will. Only one. Possibly two but that's as far as it goes.

See, recently I've been zoning. A LOT. And it's not like its new. It happens sometimes but I can usually knock it down to where I can control it. For some reason, for the past week or so, I've not been able to. And it's getting dangerous. For example, last night I was delivering food to a dark part of town. If you don't know already, I have a very hard time seeing in the dark. My eyes don't adjust for some reason so it makes driving somewhat difficult.

Anyway.

I was driving and since I couldn't see, I figured I'd just follow the car in front of me so I can at least have some sort of guidance. I followed behind the person for a couple minutes and soon they made a sharp turn. I went to follow but felt as though I should slow down. So I did. Thankfully. I ended up coming to a very steep grassy hill that only lead to trees and bushes. There was no road or even a path. There was nothing. I ended up being able to stop my car right at the tip of the hill.

I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes trying to gather myself again. First, I had to work on my breathing. Which, I didn't realize I had been holding until I was gasping for air. Then was my line of sight. My eyes got really blurry and it was hard to see anything in front of me. Dark or not. And finally it was my arms and legs. They felt like they hadn't moved in years and I forgot how to control them.

But that's not the worst part.

I ended up getting out of work about 30 minutes later. I had the biggest migraine I think I've ever had. I seriously thought my head was going to explode. And then, this morning I woke up with a big bump on the upper right corner of my forehead. The bump has finally gone down but it's sensitive to the touch. It makes no sense to me. I've never had something like this happen before. I confided in a friend I met up here who has gone through similar situations and not even she could give me an answer. I also don't want to look too deeply because I'm afraid of what I'll find.

So I guess writing it here will be enough. For now. Or forever. I'm just hoping it doesn't happen again. It actually scares me now and I'm not easily afraid. We'll see..

Like a hammer to a nail, you hit me hard.

Do what you gotta do. We're on different levels now. And you're right. I don't know a lot of sides of you. Only one. And that's a side I hope to soon forget. And maybe I will stop wanting you. Maybe I won't. Actually, scratch that. At the rate this is going, which is 0, it will. I'll no longer want to be with you and you'll no longer have an effect on me. I mean, lets face it. I'm already close to that point. When I found out, I cried a little and I got angry for a moment, but then I got over it. I smoked a bowl and moved on with my night.

It's not my life. It's yours. I'm human, so of course I was affected, but it wouldn't be rational for me to actually let it control me. I'm not mad. A bit disgusted, sure. But not mad. I realize that the person you are now is not a person I want myself to be with. You were. At one point I saw a full future with you. But that died some time ago. To be honest, that died before we even broke up. To be COMPLETELY honest, that died when we broke up the first time. But I tried and tried and tried. It never really came back. I guess I sort of lied to myself.

That's my bad. But, we all make stupid mistakes. I'm done making mine.

Good luck in life, Nik. I'm hoping this will be the last blog entry that will be written for you. I have nothing else of importance to say.

The truth.

I don't love you because I need you. I need you because I love you. I can live without you just fine. I'm an independent, intelligent, mature woman.

But I cannot breathe when you're constantly taking my breath away. I can't speak when, just by the thought of you, my mind gets distracted by such beautiful imagery. I cannot fathom living without you. You're a part of me. Regardless of whether you agree or not, I know I'm right.

Maybe not today.

Maybe not tomorrow.

But someday, the way I feel will be justified. I know this. Why? Because if I wasn't, I wouldn't stick around. Something would tell me to run. Just like it has about so many other things. Don't get me wrong. I'm not waiting for you anymore. Nor am I going to fight for you. That's not what I feel I should be doing. Being friends seems to be enough. Going with the flow and all that.

But it's hard because I'm not going to initiate every conversation. That's not how a friendship works. That's why some people walk away. And I can't guarantee I'll never walk away. I very well might. I'm just saying that for right now, at this moment, I'm not going anywhere. You say you don't have my heart, but you do. It's not a choice. It just happens. If it was a materialistic item, I'd ask for you to give it back. But I can't. Because its not. Life works in mysterious ways. Be a part of my mystery.

Wreckless Performance

People say things are easier said than done. I beg to differ. It seems as though actions come easier to me than words nowadays. I simply just do without uttering one word. That way, no one can patronize me. I do what I feel is right, regardless of the negative looks and feelings. But it does make me think. What if those disbelievers are right? What if what I've been thinking, and doing, has been wrong all along? It doesn't feel that way to me but just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean it's right. For example, murderers and crazy neo-nazis kill and traumatize people because they feel it's justified. But in reality, it's not.

Reality is not something that can be owned. It's universal. Your world affects other peoples as well. But then again, I guess that's why our parents taught us to think before we do. I find that to be a difficult task. I think, sure. But sometimes my mouth or actions do something entirely controversial. I may want to say "I still feel for you in the strongest way possible." but instead, my mouth simply says "Eh, I'm good." How the fuck?! That's not even close to what I was trying to get across!

Maybe it's just a problem I have though. Maybe not everyone has the same said issue. I'm so full of shit sometimes, it's ridiculous. I'm not saying I'm a liar. I haven't lied in quite some time. But I do admit I leave bits and pieces out of some stories I tell. I don't add, I just subtract. And it gets me into trouble. Or, it makes people think I'm someone I'm really not. It's not that I want you to think that way of me, I just don't want you to know who I really am. And nowadays, no one really does. Even those closest to me don't know my entire story. I can sincerely say that no one in this world knows me 100%. And that includes you, Nikole. There's a lot of things I never told you because I didn't want to/felt uncomfortable saying. And I'm sure the same goes for you. It goes for everyone, or so I believe.


Though, I wish there was someone I could fully open up to. But I can't. And I don't think I ever will. Because honestly, I don't want someone to know exactly who I am. Those are pieces of me that my dad taught me to never give away. Because if someone has all of you, then what do you have? I hold no longing to have another soul entirely. I did. I had all the hope in the world for a love so beautiful and deep, but now I don't. That part of me changed. I'm not looking for extreme romance or anything even remotely close to a fairy tale. I just want someone I can vent to, share my day with, kiss in the morning and night, and someone who will be my house wife.

I guess that's changed as well. I used to want a complete equal balance on things. Two people working hard to pay the bills and all that jazz, but now, fuck it. I'll pay the bills. I want to take care of someone for once. I don't want, nor need, someone to baby me into thinking that I'm a child. Because I'm not. Definitely not anymore. I'm more mature than I ever was and I find such comfort in knowing so.

I am happy that I changed into this person though. I don't care what it is that you do that makes you happy, so long as you're happy and I'm happy. And we're happy together. No rules or restrictions aside from the usual ones "No cheating, lying, etc. etc." But besides that, do what you do. I really don't care. As long as you're successful, can stand on your own 2 feet, and have a future ahead of you, I want to be a part of that.

But I have to wait for that, I suppose. I have not found such a person and that saddens me deeply. But patience is virtue so here I am. Waiting.

My first post from my phone!

This could get dangerous. I think way too much and most of the time, I WISHED I could write while I was out doing something. And now I can. So future apologies for what I may or may not say. We'll see. Sam is here now so I must go. Later blog.

The Humbling River

Tonight was an interesting Tallahassee night. The usual is posting up at some bar with my friends and watching everyone get terribly slammed. I'll end up floating around the venue with the same blank expression that seems to stick to my lips.

But not tonight.

Sam, Megan, and myself went to Poor Pauls and had a few drinks, played some pool, and air hockey. It was relaxing and very chill. Which, seems to be what I'm into nowadays.

What made the night so beautiful was the conversation Sam and I had. We discussed past lovers, future lovers, currents ehs and anything else in-between. And surprisingly, though not really, Sam and I share similar experiences and very similar feelings. Her ex broke her heart over a year ago and she still has a void she can't seem to fill. I'm not saying she's stuck on him. That's definitely not the point. She's crossed that bridge. She's had her fair share of flings and feelings for others, but none compare to the feelings she once held. And I could empathize very well with her.

And we agreed that were it not for those people, we wouldn't know each other. She wouldn't have moved to Tallahassee and nor would I. I signed the lease to get away from potential re-breaking. To leave my past and history behind me and just look ahead. Though it didn't work out that way, it's still not something I regret. I made decisions. Decisions I probably should have changed or at least thought further about, but I didn't. And I learned. Hell, I'm still learning. I have no explanation nor can I fathom even the slightest idea as to why my heart raced that one night. Or why I still have this pinching feeling in my gut that something will be coming from you. For us. But it's not now. The feeling seems to push me into thinking it's for a later date.

It's absolutely sickening but beautiful as well. And I've never been wrong about my feelings. I could say exactly what I mean but I don't want to hurt anyone in particular who reads this. And I'm not just saying you. I'm saying for others as well. But regardless, I have been right in every aspect when it came to my gut.

Here's the point I'm getting at. Mind you, it's short, sweet and to the point, but it touched me.

Sam said "Kelsey, do you not get that if it weren't for your decisions, nikole, mariska, your parents, etc. I wouldn't know you? I wouldn't have a new best friend to live with next year. We wouldn't be here today and you wouldn't continuously touch and change someones life like you do every time you meet someone. I know you're hurt, that you're angry, and that this whole fuckin thing SUCKS....but I'm thankful. I'm glad. And at some point, you will be too...especially when I paint whales in your bathroom next year."

It put things into a whole new perspective.

So thank you, Sam, for your kind and wonderful words. But you're still not painting fucking whales in my bathroom! Or anywhere else in the house!

As for you, yes the usual you, I saw your update and here's my response.

People are nosy by nature. If they don't know what's going on in someone elses life, it's as though they lose control of their own. It's not true, but it makes them feel that way. Or so I think. I can only empathize on a certain level. That, and we've done this so many times that people think it'll turn out the same way. And maybe it will. But regardless, it's none of their business. I'm glad to say my friends are surprisingly just telling me to be careful. They don't care what my decision ends up being just so long as I'm careful and happy. It was nice to see and hang out with you too. It sucks that you feel like you can't talk to me but considering the history and prior arguments over said situations, I understand entirely. The communication is appreciated and I'm really diggin' it.

Maybe one day you'll trust me again and I'll trust you. Maybe. Or, we'll communicate like this or however else for a bit, move on, and we'll both end up just being guest stars in each others lives. Either way, don't be afraid to text or call me sometimes. I'm not crazy obsessed or needy like I used to be. Hell, I may not even respond depending on when/where/whom I'm with. It's just nice to hear from a familiarity.

P.S. Go back to school. It was good for that big head of yours <3

I've always hated the sound of glass

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Shocked, a bit. But not surprised. I read your blog tonight. It's nice to see that you've been writing. And what I read was a bit hard to read, but I'm very glad you did. I guess this blog here is more of a response to what you wrote. Maybe. I'm not entirely sure.

I'm not sure what it is that you really want. Yes, you think you're at an age where you should have it figured out. Some people do but some people don't. And that's okay. If you were meant to know right now, you would. I can promise you that. Regardless of your true feelings for said person, you'll figure it out later. Don't force yourself to think back on your should haves or what ifs. Those moments are gone. What is meant to be will be. Regardless of whether it's with me, or him, or her, or them, whatever. I've noticed your confusion. I knew you were battling something.

And you may not want my opinion, but this is my outlet so here it goes. Honestly, I think you will always have a spot in your heart for him. I do. But do I think you actually love him in an intimate way? No. I think you're just so confused and mentally unstable at the moment that your mind, and maybe heart, are trying to find a safe place. Which isn't unusual. Believe me. I find myself doing the same thing minus the whole gender switch thing. I just think you need some time to yourself. To really focus on your life, pick up the pieces, work your ass off, and worry about love later.

At least, that's what I'm doing. And I'd say it's working well enough.

I'm not going to say I don't miss you or that I don't love you. I do. I'm still not 100% over you and I. I still have a lingering feeling within my chest. But that may very well fade. Or, it may not. Either way, I'm still able to focus on my own life now.

And as for everyone else, people come and go. Sometimes multiple times. If you see a significant change in your friendships and the people within them, maybe it's time you sit down and think about reasons why. I'm not saying to blame them or yourself. I'm just stating that maybe you can find some kind of hint as to why they've pushed you away. Or vice versa.

I tried pushing you away but I can't.

It kinda sucks. Why? Because I don't trust you. But then again I do. Sometimes when you speak to me, I feel as though I'm speaking to the same girl I fell in love with. Then I take a look around me and realize, no. That's not her. This is someone else and her words aren't making sense. So either you're lying to me, to yourself, or to both. Regardless, I understand. It's quite difficult to remove a mask once you've tied it on so tightly. I had one on for quite some time.

I wish I could make you happy again. I wish I could bring you some sort of fruition and bring back that motivated, inspirational girl that everyone loved to be around. But I can't. Only you can. And I have all the faith in the world that it will happen some day. Maybe not right now, but rest assured, it will happen. When it's ready to happen.

I still hope that one day you end up with me again. Not right now though. I need to focus on myself still. I'm not done picking up the pieces I scattered so meticulously. But one day, when/if it's supposed to happen, I'll welcome it with open arms. Because obviously, no matter what you or I do, we can't fully stay away from each other. Not forever.

If you ever need an ear, I'm here. Don't worry about what pain you think you may bring. I'm fully capable of dealing with things on my own now. Just know you're not alone in your confusion/self journey. It happens. And it's not wrong. Just be patient and focus entirely on yourself. The universe will only give you what you can handle at the moment; What you're ready for.

Time is made up of mere moments. It's what we do within those moments that count. Make them count. For you and only you. Let fate/god/whateverthehell do the rest.