Irrational Rationality

I'm over what's not. I'm over what I never had. I'm over what I'll never have. I'm over what I'll never change. I'm over that I'm not going to try and change what cannot be changed. I'm over fighting and trying for a chance that was given. I'm over thinking what I feel means something.

I'm over all of it. Because I'm over being stuck to a past memory, a past moment, a past person.

That person no longer exists. And that's okay. I'm better now. If said person were to ever come back around and take off the mask or cloak it is they're wearing, I would be more than glad to say hello. But other than that, I will not let the hand I once held hold me down.

I've picked myself back up. I love my life and the people who are in it.

I'm much better than I ever thought I would be. But I finally am. So thank you for giving me back my independence. For letting me become who I was before you threw me into the darkest corners. Thank you for leaving my life. No letter nor song could fully explain the appreciation. Though it's sad that you left scars that will never be forgotten. Ones much deeper than those on my skin. Wounds that only people closest to my heart have left. Unfortunately, you became a part of that list. But I hold no grudge against it. If anything, I appreciate the reminder of what to not get myself into again.

I can finally, and sincerely, say that I don't need you. I never did. It was just nice to have someone there when I didn't want to be alone at said moments. Thank you for being there but thank you so much more for not being here at all.

I write this entirely without an ounce of anger or resentment so please don't take it as such.

Good luck in life.

Yours truly but no longer.

False Pretense

So, I'm writing to you. Something I haven't done in quite some time. And I don't really care whether or not you actually read this.

Here it goes.

I'm done lying to myself. To you, to them, to everyone. Am I alive? Yes. Do I have fun? Of course! I'm living life the absolute best way I can.

But that doesn't mean I don't think about you. Not at all. I think about you randomly. I'll get a sudden rush from a past memory. Something that happened very long ago but somehow it still puts a smile in my face and creates this pressure within my stomach.

Someone will say one word and all the sudden your face is the only thing lingering in the back of my mind.

So I do miss you. I miss a part of us. I miss all the good. And my stubborn heart harbors those moments. It's what makes me happy.

But then again, it also makes me grieve. It's not like I haven't tried/am talking to people. I've put myself out there. I'm fairly sure I'm so single that people can smell it because they flock to me. More men than women, though. Gross.

Though, none of them are you. They don't carry the beautiful delicate eyes that you do. Or the perfect smile that, I'm pretty sure, will always make me melt. Or the hands that fit so well with mine. The lips that would give me a sudden rush of want and need. Not always. But sometimes.

I know no one will ever replace you. How could they? You are your own soul.

But my heart knows me better than what I write here. My heart is stubborn, and bold, and warm. And it holds onto you, your memory, your words, your actions, all of it. And it's never angry. It is my mind that comes up with the anger. But it is my heart that soothes it and doesn't allow it to stay angry for long.

I am doing well. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you, that I didn't love you, and that I hope one day we can start again. New, older, wiser, etc. Fresh.

And maybe that won't happen. Maybe you are sincerely not the one for me. For once in my life, I'm patient. And I will wait. Either for you to come back, or even talk to me about it, or to find someone else.

I'm not sure if you're still seeing that girl or not. Quite frankly, I don't care. It's none of my business and as long as you're happy than I guess I'm okay with whatever it is you're doing.

I just don't want to lie to myself. I lied to you, to friends, to family, and myself for quite some time now. Nothing drastic, but still unnecessary.

If you ever find yourself compelled to speak to me or even see me while I'm in town, don't hesitate. Don't fight how you feel. Even if you think it's wrong. Do everything your gut and heart tells you to do. The worst that could happen is nothing. Nothing could happen. Or it could be another start for you, for me, for someone else, who knows.

I just hope one day you let go of whatever it is that's keeping you away from me. Because you were a dear friend and it sucks to have lost that.

But either way, I'll live just fine. See you around. Maybe.

Amazingamazingamazing!

There's so much going on. Majority good and a little bit of bad but the good is definitely outweighing the bad at the moment!! I'm finally making plans that will benefit my future. Where I still work, go to school, make and save money, etc. but still moving on with my life.

So here's what made my night tonight, blog.

Sam and I had a wonderful night of talking shit, ya know, the usual. And also went out to rehab for a couple drinks. We didn't dance. We kept talking about all the decorating and fixing up we're going to do to our house next year.

We decided to leave because we were gonna go see Amanda but she fell asleep. So we came up with the bright idea to go check out our potential house. Bad idea. Awful, actually. Why? Because we are absolutely head over heels in love with this place. It's small and petite which is perfect for us. But what really won us over was the backyard/deck/porch/driveway/trees/stars/EVERYTHING! There's so much land and beauty in this place. It needs small fixer uppers but me and Sam are excited to grab some hammers and go to town on this place!! There's a few things we're iffy about.

The sewage goes through a septic tank. Gross, but durable. The water is well water. Once again, gross(depending) but durable. And there's no cooling system. Though, there are ceiling fans in every room. If worst comes to worst, we can just put a wall unit in. Which we've discussed. There is, however, a heating system so that'll be good for the winter time.

I would have taken photos and posted them here for my few friends who read this but we went to check it out at around 1 o'clock this morning and we were more focused on seeing where we were going than taking pictures. It is in the middle of the woods so the stars are bright, we can build a fire pit, and it's perfect for growing our own fruits/veggies. This is something we are going to do. No ifs,ands,or booties.

The words I've written here do not fully express the breath-taking awe of this place. But rest assured, we may find something better. This was just one place out of 7 we were offered. In total, the realtor has found 40. We still have a long way to go, both financially and emotionally, but it doesn't stop us from getting excited. I sincerely haven't felt this way about something since I was a child. Sure, it'll be hard. But I look forward to every bit of hard work that goes into this project.

Not only that, but all night I have been surrounded by people I love. If they haven't been around me, they have texted and called.

Point being, I fucking love my life. Even during the worst moments, there's always a bit of light guiding me where I'm supposed to be.

Nut Up or Shut Up

I'm so tired. Working 10-12 hours everyday is really starting to weigh me down. I have no time for a social life anymore. And when I do, I never want to do anything but sip on beer all night and watch movies on netflix. It's a simple life I'm leading now. I don't do anything crazy. I thought I would until I realized I'm just done with it all. I get a nice dose of crazy when I visit home but once I come back here, its back to work and school I go. I'm not complaining though. I make really good money where I am now and school is like a breath of fresh air again. It's nice. I do enjoy it. I just feel like something is coming. I'm not sure if it's good or bad but I have this urge to jump out and find it!

I think the only thing that I really do differently now is I smoke weed. Not enough to be a pothead but my intake has definitely increased. I even smoked in my room the other night. Which is not something I've done yet. It was nice. It calmed me down and got my mind to relax for a bit.

But there's still something missing. Something that needs to become visible. And soon. I'm not a patient person. I have a tendency to over-analyze and try to find some kind of solution to any, and every, problem that arises. I'm pretty good at communicating but I can become quite timid at the worst moments. I'm not as easy as I used to think I was. Or maybe I was. But I'm not anymore. That's something that changed; A characteristic that will be difficult to achieve again. Then again, that's the reward when you achieve something, no? You get that feeling of power and accomplishment. I guess I'm just not ready to be granted.

There's a lot going on right now though. A lot that I won't state here. Not yet. Because I don't know anything right now. I'll find out this week. I guess all I can tell you, my dear friend, is that I'll be visiting the doctor quite often within these next two weeks. :\ I just don't want to give myself bad juju based on assumptions. Right now it's a wait and see kind of project. I go in one day, wait to find out something else. I get results, take another test, and wait again. It's repetitive and annoying, but it must be done. And for good reason.


Lets just hope God isn't too busy and will hear my prayers. I've prayed twice this week. It was strange and hard, but it needed to be done. I know my mother and grandmother are praying as well so there's a lot of positive energy afloat.

On a more positive note, me and Sam are planning on being roommates next year. My manager is looking to buy a house and rent it out to people and so she's looking for something that will accommodate Sam and I. I really look forward to it. Whenever we discuss living arrangements and decorating, we get so excited. That house will be crazy but it will be a home. It will be worth every single penny we put into it. And we get along really well. We know what respect entails and we're both responsible. For once, that's something I'm not worried about. I got lucky with this friend. She's become one of my best of the best. No matter how good or bad my day is, Sam will jump if I need her to jump. She hasn't let me down yet and she's motivating me to do even better in my life.

So blog, I'm sorry. But we are staying in Tallahassee. South Florida carries family and friends, but tally carries a future. Not to stay and live here forever, but my education needs to come first again. And BC just won't cut it. So until then, this is home.

Uncommon Reaction

Tonight was different, to say the least. I spent a good five or six hours with a beer in my hand watching people buzz around a room. People hugging, and kissing, and crying. Various emotions and physical attributes in a confined space. And there I was. Standing, or sitting, or walking in one corner. Socializing with some and smiling at others. But there was no evil smirk lurking behind my eyes. My mouth held an upward crescent and not one negative connotation escaped from my lips.

Everything was so smooth and easy. Even the most repulsive moments. That second someone came up to me and said "Aaron is puking in the sink.." I simply laughed, snapped on some gloves, took him to the bathroom, and cleaned out the sink. Not much longer, it was the same thing. Just this time, it was Jessi. And once again, bleach and gloves became my best friend. Even with the scent of vomit filling the air, I held my smile. There was nothing that was going to damage that tonight. Regardless of who was doing what, or who was doing who, I took care of what needed to be taken care of, and went back to my friends and my date.

People kept coming up to me in flashes. Expressing just how great of a person I am, how wonderful of a friend I must be. Flattered as I was, I don't see why doing what I was doing would consider me a good person at all. How do you know who I am? What I do behind the shadows that the trees cast? And more so than anything, why is being kind such a rare act? Do friends not clean puke out of their best friends sinks? Is it abnormal to hand a cup of water to a stranger and tell them you'll be there for them? To give a homeless man a cup of soup and hold a human conversation with him for a few minutes?

Or waiting until everyone leaves, no matter what time it is in the morning, and cleaning your best friends kitchen? I enjoyed it! I took joy in throwing out the garbage, getting rid of the empty and half full containers and wiping away the muck and mess people left behind. I truly felt happy in those moments. I felt fulfilled and content. 

I just don't see why doing what's right makes me a good person. If anything, I believe it just makes me human. And I hope someone else would do the same for me one day.

I'm changing into a person I like very much. Someone who enjoys the simple things again. Who can sit there and say "Who the hell are you? Nice to meet ya!" all in the same sentence. Someone who can take it slow because moving fast only means you'll miss the small things.

I'm happy with the way things are tonight. I can't guarantee this feeling will stick around, but tonight I'm happy. With everything and everyone. Including the people who left.

Why??

I haven't thought about you in a few days. And if I have, it's because I saw something that you would like or laugh at. But that's really it.

So why were you in my dream last night? Why did you say the things you said? And do what you did?? Today will be rough because of that dreams. It wasn't a memory. It wasn't something that ever happened. And god, I hope it's not a sign of some sort. And it's definitely not wishful thinking. Or maybe it is? Maybe it's something I've just shoved down so deep. I don't know. I just don't want you in my dreams anymore. So please, stop.


Yes, I know it's not your fault. I'm not being serious when I say "Please stop." 

Well?

Life goes on. Tonight is the second time. Maybe I can do it this time. Such a simple act, too. Not sexual, just sentimental. Just emotional. Just sensational.


And I couldn't do it.

But I think tonight I can. Because I'm better. Both emotionally and physically.

And if I don't, well, I don't really care.

I don't care about much these days. I'm more of a I-don't-give-a-shit kind of girl now. And I like it! I'm actually happy with things.

I'm happy with what has happened and what's going on. Because I can feel in my stomach that great things are coming for me. That I'm doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing. And I feel other things as well. I won't say what they are, but they make me smile.

Guess that's all I got for ya.

Guessing Is No Guarantee.

I never thought things would end up this way.

Not once.

I always gave everything, and everyone, the benefit of the doubt. But I can't do that anymore. I trust no one. When people speak to me, I question their words as though we're playing a game of hangman. And whenever someone says something even remotely sentimental, I can't help but wonder just how genuine they are while they're saying it.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I have changed. I'm not the same caring, genuine, trusting girl I used to be. I wish I was. And I would truly do anything to go back, but I can't. Not now, anyway. Not until I start to see things in color again.

As of now, everything is a swirl of blacks, and greys, and whites. Simple shades. But no actual color. I think the only time I can actually paint a beautiful picture is when I have some kind of alcohol in my hand. When all those feelings go numb and for that one moment, I'm okay with it all.

It's sad. That I have to intoxicate my feelings in order to feel okay. But I guess that's normal. I guess we all do it. Or maybe we don't. But right now, I don't mind.

Right now, I don't care. About anything.

huh?

I've been sitting here for about 20 mins trying to mremember wtf I was gonna write...but I';m too stoned and drunk soooooooooooooooo fuck it. Fuck everything, basics. Weed, speed, indeed. That's all folks!

The Truth Always Hurts

So, I heard. To be honest, I already knew. I felt it in my gut a couple weeks or so ago. But today, it was confirmed.

How do you do it? How do you move on so easily? You found someone else. Even if it's official or not, you've invested your time and emotion into another soul.

Did I mean nothing? I know our relationship was complete and utter bullshit but me as a person, did I hold any tie to your heart?

Maybe I didn't. I don't feel as though I did. Or else you'd be in the same spot I am now. But that's how you are, I guess. A constant shield to block out the bad but able to welcome in the good. Which I guess works for you. It never worked for me. I didn't learn when I held up my walls.

But they're coming back. A lot of things are coming back into my life that I once pushed away. I welcome it all with open arms now. Because now, I have no idea who I am. I hold no motivation to go on and live another day. Though I have too many people who care about me to just toss it away, too.

It's like I'm stuck.

And though I shouldn't, though I don't like to, and though I feel like such a bitch for saying it, but I blame you.

I blame you for every single suicidal tendency that interrupts my day. I believe you're the cause for me becoming a pile of debris on the once beautiful grass.

You're worthless to me now. Just like I am to you, I guess. Considering your lips have come into contact with another and I'm sure at some point, the rest of you as well.

I've never wished ill will upon anyone. Not until now. And maybe I'll get over that. Or maybe you're just one of those very, very few people who deserve such wishes.

Either way.

Thanks for nothing. You're a regret. The first one I've ever had.

Don't break her heart like you break everyone elses. And if this pissed you off, that's fine by me. And if you didn't read this at all, I'm still happy I'm writing it.

Go fuck yourself and don't try to be in my life. Ever. If I want you there, I'll let you know. But heartless people don't deserve to be around the best of the best. Technically, heartless people shouldn't be alive. But that would just be mean.

Oh, and if you want your shit, I'll give it to you myself. I'm not having anyone else play middle man. Grow a pair and face me yourself. If you don't want to do that, then don't expect to get it back until you do.

Thanks.

For You

This will be short and to the point.

Don't be surprised. Don't be angry. Don't be sad. Don't be irrational. Don't be unhappy. Don't be anything.

Because it will happen. When I'm ready. And it will be great. Or so I hope.

We'll see.

Love,
Me.

Anything is easier said than done

Crash and burn and I can feel it in my skin.
These thoughts are sinful and dangerous.
It's in my dreams that you live in.
It makes my mind wild and outrageous.

You'll never leave, as much as I want you to.
Because with every piece of me, there is a piece of you.
Why did you have to let it linger?
You're like a wasp and I'm stuck with the stinger.

I know I'll move on and one day my mind will be clear.
But in the back of my mind, you'll always stay near.
Because even now, my heart reaches for you.
A person who hurt me, someone who won't do.

And if you came back, I'd push you away.
But at the same time, I'd be begging you to stay.
You seem so happy with that beautiful smile of yours.
A world full of color, a world full of cures.

Sadly I stay in a shadow full of acts.
Here til the end with my insanity intact.
I'll repair this broken heart but it will never look the same.
Because on a piece of my heart, there was once your name.

So even when I move on and leave,
I want you to know, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
It's free to you, forever until now.
I wish I could let go. I just don't know how.


How do you exist without me so easily? I need closure. That's why I'm dying to talk. So I can close this chapter without having questions. So I can understand. Give me that. Please.

Carry On

Well my friend, I can finally tell you where I am. I'm currently in Dundalk, Maryland. My friend Karen has been in a bit of a rutt lately so me and her fiance, the lovely Robin, plotted a surprise trip. I couldn't be happier. Well, no. That's a bit of a lie. But one day, that will change. At some point, there will come a moment when everything will fall together. Everything will make sense again. Maybe not 100%, but 99.9%. I still miss you sometimes. Not in an intimate way. Not the way I thought I would. I miss being able to share things with you.

The days where I could sit and vent to you.

Like that one night at Yoshi's so long ago. When we talked and smoked cigarettes. Granted, at that time I wanted much more than what I want now. The only thing I actually miss is the cuddling. Only because you held me with safety, security, and warmth. I would give anything to be held like that again. Just minus any feelings.

To be blunt, I don't want to be with you. Not now and more than likely, not ever. We tried and tried and tried. We did all we could and it was worth every step. But I'm happier now. I still hate that we don't talk and that I've lost a great friend, but I've done all I can. Now, it's up to you. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I know you're making new friends and spending time with old ones. That's great!! I'm so happy for you! I'm traveling, spending time with my family, and growing close to people I thought I had lost.

Even though you may not believe me due to past behavior and because I'm usually pretty predictable, I'm done. With you, with our relationship, with everything. The only thing I would love to have is your friendship. But that will take time. And maybe we're not meant to have that. Like you always said, everything happens for a reason. I believe that now more than ever. So many amazing things are happening to me and I'm sure they are to you as well.

I'm not seeing anyone else. Not now. I'm not looking to date or fuck around. I'm worrying about myself. I'm going to work my ass off and try to finish school ASAP so I can travel.

This is why I miss talking to you. I just want to talk about our wants, what drives us, the usual things friends talk about. New friends, especially. And we've never really been just friends.

This wasn't meant to be about you. But I let it flow out of me. And thus, I guess it needed to come out. I'm not even sure if you read this anymore. But I'll write in it as though you do. It's really the only way I feel like you'll listen to me.

I'm different now. More than I ever have been before. I'm not fully healed, but I'm getting there. I have no doubt about that.

I hope you're well. I miss you, my friend who isn't really a friend but I wish you were.

Sincerely,
Me.

Differentiate

I realize I've not written in some time now. Well, compared to the amount I used anyway. Its strange. So much has happened, multiple people have entered/walked out of my life and yet, I'm unsure of what exactly to say. There are days when I feel low and could probably write a novel but just don't have it in me. Or the time. Or the motivation to pick up my laptop and do anything with it, really. I spend majority of my time working, watching a movie, or kicking back and enjoying the silence.

I've gotten into reading again. I guess I could start off by writing about that? When I went home a couple weeks ago, my mother and I spent 2 hours(of course) in barnes and noble. She walked away with 4 books whereas I only walked away with two. Funny, considering I was the one taking the most time. I didn't want to leave. I couldn't find anything that truly caught my eye so I bought books I heard were good. Eat Pray Love and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Books a hipster kid would have on his bookshelf. I am no hipster but I must say, they do have some good literary taste.

Anyway,

I've been slowly reading Eat. Pray. Love. I figured since I saw(and love) the movie, I might as well read(and adore) the book! I haven't made it very far. Maybe a few pages. Few being 4 or 5. I'm usually one to pick up a book and continuously stare at it wide-eyed and fascinated. Strangely, I haven't been able to put myself in that same position. I read a lot of blogs now. Thought Catalog being the main one. I like reading thoughts, ideas, humor. I guess I'm just sick of stories? Of fiction? Of constant babble about the same thing over and over again?

Hmm.

Maybe that's why I haven't written. Because I didn't want to write about the usual shit I always write about. And for once I'm not. It's quite liberating, actually.

Other than my reading(or lack thereof) I've been giving myself a lot of me time. I'm not saying I don't see my friends. That's definitely not the case. I've become that person that takes a million pictures of everyone-usually after a couple of drinks-and someone ends up taking my phone away. I just enjoy being by myself most days. I like turning on the television and watching a good sad, sarcastic episode of greys anatomy. Or Glee. Or turning on a movie I've seen a thousand times but I want to watch it now because I really enjoy the background music.

But I can't do this with other people. Other people talk. Other people move, and yawn, and cough, and drink, and eat, or something of the sort. When its just me, it's me being me. Doing whatever it is that I want to do at that moment. I don't have to consider how any other person feels but myself. And it's great! I absolutely love it!

Besides all that,

I leave soon! Very soon! I'll be gone for a week to a still-secret place! I arrive tuesday morning and leave the following tuesday. A full week in a beautiful place with beautiful people and beautiful unknown destinations! Don't worry, blog. You'll know soon enough.

I have more to say, which is great since I started off not knowing what to say, but it's late and I really should be asleep by now. It's a long day of work and then driving tomorrow.

Until next time, my friend.

Musical Tendencies.

I feel like saying this

But that would never happen because

And though it sometimes hurts, I smile because I know

I've let go of you....and yes, it does feel like something is missing. But I'm happy. And if one day, you decide you want to be friends, we can definitely try. But I sincerely believe that's all we could ever be. If that. If you let it. I'm not trying anymore. Not fighting, not crying. Nothing. I'm taking care of myself and my self worth is just going up because of it. You may be gone, but you didn't disappear. Neither did I. We're both still existent. Just seperately. You know how to reach me whenever you feel like talking. Even if you just need to bitch. I was in love with you once, and now I just love you. Complex to simple. Beautiful.

Painted Faces

The independence is nice. I love my job. I like the alone time I get to embrace ever so often. But I hate the painted faces. People who call themselves friends and then you don't hear from them for a week. Any of them. Even the person who is one of your best friends doesn't call to say "hey lets hang out" or make time for you. It's always what everyone else wants to do. Which is fine. If it makes you happy, I understand. But I'm sick of initiating contact. I'm just sick of this. This was never the place for me. I moved here because I was running. Because I saw an open window and I fucking leaped through it. I'm doing just fine and I'm able to pay bills on my own. It's great.

But I need friends. I need people. Everyone needs people. If we were supposed to be strictly on our own, we wouldn't have a voice. We wouldn't have feelings. We would have absolutely nothing but the ability to live. That's it.

And what makes me even sicker, is knowing I put someone through where I am now. Maybe not as bad, or maybe not as good...but either way...I tossed someone to the corner. And never in my life have I ever gotten such a taste of my own medicine. It's so strong I can feel it in my veins, I can taste it on my tongue, and the smell is burning my eyes.

So for that, I am sorry. I can't take it back. But I'll never do it again.

As for you, and you know who you are, I hope you're doing well. I still think about you from time to time but more so in a "I wonder what she's up to." or "I hope everything in her life is getting better." kind of way. There's no feelings there anymore. All the desire and pull I once had...is gone. And it was strange when I realized it. It was like "Whoa..I haven't thought about her in 3 days." But I do hope you're doing well. I'm sure you are. You're strong and independent. I still think it's a bit much sometimes but if it works for you, that's all that matters.

I do still miss the past though. Not the relationships or anything intimate...I miss our group of friends. You, me, terri, liz. I miss us. We were like a table and so we always had a balanced spot to put our things. But then one leg fell, and the other, and the other. And I realize there is no table anymore.

But I do miss it. It was the most simple and fun part of my life. And I thank you for being a part of that. Maybe one day things will be the way they were. Maybe they won't.

But you know me.

I'll never stop hoping. :)

Apparently

So after having some one-on-one time with the head shrinker, I realized I'm a bit socially awkward. How? Because I have the annoying habit of putting "Haha" in or at the end of EVERYTHING. And why do I do this? So the conversation doesn't have an awkward ending. And to keep my ass out of trouble. Kind of like how a lot of people put "lol" at the end of a comment they make to try and sugarcoat it. Ya. I do this.

I'm not going to tell you how we came up with this discussion because it really doesn't make sense. Regardless, I am to try and break the habit. Say how I feel and stop trying to be a constant friendly. She said it's normal to have enemies and sometimes it's even a good thing so, here I am.

I have a feeling this is going to be difficult. But in the broad spectrum of things, its going to branch out into a lot of good. Well, if it goes accordingly.

We'll see!

Besides that, I'm plotting a trip! I'm not putting names or places just in-case that person sees it(and its going to be a surprise!), but me and another person are plotting. And I couldn't be more excited! I literally felt myself jump with adrenaline when the idea came about and it was amazing! So many new things and places! I can't say much more blog, but when it happens, oh you'll know. And pictures will be spread. :)

I see what ya mean

One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm not, and the next minute I'm ready for anything.

I need to shut up and let everything go until it's ready to be what I want it to be.

Challenge accepted.

But I see what you mean.

I'm unstable, too.

Hi.

What a way to say goodbye

Today, as I was talking and slightly venting to my roommate, I had a moment of fruition. And it's such a sad realization that I won't even write it down. Because it hurt. It hurt me. And it would hurt you. And I'm done hurting people. I'm done hurting myself.

It sucks. It sucks more than the break up. It hurts more than the break up. Because I put myself there. I allowed it. I didn't cheat or be any kind of unfaithful so please don't think that. I know it wouldn't matter now anyway, but still.

I'm not writing this to you. I'm writing this because I don't know how to deal with it. Because I'm upset that I put us in this situation when it could've been ignored.

We're really over this time. There is no going back. But there is always the possibility of going forward. Of somehow working when we can lead a life that doesn't consist of looking back. If that day comes, it will. If it doesn't, it wont. I'm happy either way.

I can't wait for the day when you are like everyone else. When I don't jump from a text, or a call, or something. When I am completely indifferent to your life. And the only way I'll care is as a friend. I really look forward to that day..

What is wrong with you!?

Do you understand how it makes me feel when you sit there and make it seem like I'm fragile!? I'm not made of fucking glass! I can take care of myself like I have been. And the reason why I acted like glass when I was with you was because you don't know wtf you want. One minute you want someone with a different opinion and independence, the next you want them to agree with everything and want to take care of them 24/7.

The only thing I wanted from you, was a conversation. Something to take my mind off the situation. And I didn't want to talk to anyone else but you. I tried, but I missed this friend. Which, in reality, is no friend at all. Because if you were, you would've let go of the current just for a moment. A mere 5 fucking minutes.

Not everything is about you, what you want, or what is convenient for you. So let go of your concern for me. I never want you to take care of me like you used to ever again. Because ever since you stopped, I'm happy again. I'm becoming me again. Thank god, for that. And I'm done looking in the past at our relationship. It turned into crap long ago and we both ignored it. Thinking one day, it'd get better. Well, I know it won't. Not right now and not until we both grow the fuck up. Which by then I'm sure we'll both have moved on. I'm not worried about it.

So just fucking stop thinking about whats right and whats wrong for me. I know whats right and wrong. I'm not a fucking moron. Just let it go. Please. I have.

What a fine sensation.

Things are looking up. Every day I'm presented a new opportunity. Some I don't take and others I gladly accept. Today, for example, I was offered a job answering the phone at an Asian restaurant no more than 2 minutes from my house. I gladly accepted the offer and I should be starting next week. The pay is, funnily enough, 7.50. Whereas everywhere else it's 7.31.

All day I had this feeling in my gut that something was coming. I didn't know what it was going to be but I knew it would be beneficial to my needs. Majority of the time I'll be answering the phone and taking orders, but she also said I would be working delivery at nights sometimes. She's a very sweet person. Which is strange considering the last asian restaurant I worked in, the owner was a cunt!

Tomorrow starts a new day. A new story. I was invited to join in on a video shoot for a rap video and of course I accepted. It's nothing huge. I'll just be a party-goer with a beer in hand. An extra haha. Then that evening, it's the amazinggg potluck that Amanda and her roommates are throwing. I'm baking desserts. I'm very excited. And then after that, Amanda and the girls are dragging me to a lingerie party. I've already gave them notice that I will not be dressing skanky whatsoever. A nice top, make up and new hairstyle will do just fine.

I'm a bit all over the place, blog. My mind seems to refuse focus. It's heading in so many directions so quickly, I feel as though I'm just breezing through life. And that's okay with me. Because I finally admitted to myself that I'm at a point in my life where I have no clue who I am. I changed. And my, what a struggle it's been. But it's not bad. It's quite the contrary actually. Since I've been able to admit that to myself, I've been happier. I'm 21. I've reached that age where I know what I want to do in life, I just don't know who I'll be.

Life has the potential to be something great and mind-blowing. People just get lazy and pass it up. Well, that's no long an issue for me. I have a job lined up, I'm getting school figured out, I'm taking care of myself. I'm even learning how to cook on my own! I'm still not great though, haha.

I've also let go. I've let go of the fact that things don't work out. That regardless of my beliefs, nothing lasts forever. I've released this worry of worrying, I guess you could say. I'm okay. With everything. I'm happy. Maybe not 100%, but I'm definitely on my way. I realize that who I began in your eyes..is not who I ended in your eyes. I'm not sure if that makes the most sense but hey, give me a break. Haha. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you first saw me, I was something made of steel. Strong, independent, durable. But at some point, you saw me as nothing but porcelain. Fragile. I don't know if it was my fault, your fault, or anyone's fault really. Regardless, I understand.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who I could tip and they would break into a thousand pieces. I'm just happy to say that I'm happy. I'm happy that I'm gaining control. That I'm getting help. Not only from therapy and psychiatry, but also from myself. And from books. Lots of books haha. I've been reading a lot again.

I'm happy. I thought you should know.

Something I found that I wrote a couple months ago

Voices, oh voices.
Send me new noises.
Bring me a language I can understand.
Write me a letter I can comprehend.

Open up and shed some light
Within this dark seclusion, I've lost my sight.
Give me hope. Give me dreams.
Tell me it's not as bad as it seems.

These feelings are new and fresh.
But they're not for the best.
Cut the anchor off of this ship.
Lift the misery off of my lips.

And if it should stay, give me the strength,
To shorten it's path, to shorten it's length.
But now I'm lost, confused and abused.
And so I'm unsure of which voice to choose.

a little nothing

Tell me you'll leave tonight
Go on, get up, get out of my sight
Wait, no, nevermind. Stop and stare.
Pull me by my collar, tug on my hair.

Do you find it easy to say
That everythings alright, that you're okay?
I can hear the voices inside your head
Screaming out words that are left unsaid

Do you complain to the night sky?
Do you ever stop and try?
Maybe tonight you will
Maybe tonight you'll break and spill

Open the latch, twist the key
When you look back, you won't see me.
I'll be your shoulder or your voice
But I will not be the shadow you make by choice.

When things go wrong, they end up right.
I've had my eyes closed but I didn't lose sight.
So here I am, letting go.
I'll be around if you decide to show.

Funny, funny, oh funny days.
How an open heart can change your ways.
Nothing new, nothing old.
Held by glue, covered in mold.

Inspiration should be a synonym for motivation

Today I worked on my audition video. That's right. I'm auditioning for Project Glee season 2. They're holding in-person auditions in NY and Chicago and Nashville. But I'm stuck in Florida. So, they're also doing online auditions. And guess who signed up? :)

It's something I'm terrified to do. I'm opening up and letting down every wall but I'm doing it to fulfill my dream. I'm also actually going to try and get to NY in November for the auditions. It'll give me better chances and the flight to and from is only 50$. I just have to find a place to stay. Which, I think I'll be just fine when it comes down to it.

A lot has changed in my life....and I allowed it to upset me. So I figure instead of sitting here and watching it change into things I dislike, I might as well change it the way I want it to be. So once I get a job, I'll be saving for NY and my European citizenship. Next summer/spring/fall I want to study abroad. Or maybe just live in Ireland with my family. I want to live, is more my point.

Life is too short to take things for granted but it's also too long to sit and wait for things to come to you. I'm ready to make my own life, my own future, and go after everything I've ever wanted. I've been working out some as well. And I think if I reach the weight I need to be, I'll join the military and be a medical nurse. Why not? The more, the merrier! And Lord knows the war needs nurses.

I'm done dragging myself behind people. It's time I grow up and start doing what I want to do. Regardless of what people think and feel. It's my life. I'll live it the way I see fit. And no one will drag me down. People are welcome to join and be a part of my life, but holding my hand and tugging on it are 2 different things. I will not drown just because the waves are high. I will simply swim harder than I've ever swam before. And I will conquer. I have nothing to lose but such an amazing amount to gain.

Watch me.

Unfulfilled

Today was pretty uneventful. School, lunch, school. The usual. I'm trying to make friends within my classes but people seem to be disregarding my existence. Which is weird. I'm usually that person who makes friends like it's breathing. But not here. I feel like so alone here. I have Amanda, yes. And I've met people through her but they don't call me to hang out or do anything. Amanda just kind of brings me along. It's not like they don't want me around. I know that's not it. I just feel like I'm dead weight. I don't fit in.

For once, I feel completely 100% out of place. And I've never been more depressed. For once, I want to go home. Not to my house, just to my city. As much as I hate the city, I feel like I have so much there. And lets face it, Tallahassee is just too...woodsy. I need a bit of both. City and lots of green. I also miss my friends. My vast group of friends. I miss Terri, and Liz, and Nikole(I know it's complicated!) and Matt, and Maria, and Simone, and Amanda, and Diann and just everyone!

But today, I drove a bit out of the way. To clear my head, really. And if it's one thing I miss most that god granted me with, it's when me, terri, liz and nikole all used to hang out. In one big group full of silly moments and joyful laughter. And then those other moments would rise. The serious, deep times when someone had something on their mind and we'd all talk to each other. I know people change. Things change. I get it. But these are people I never want to lose. Not to break ups or moments of temporary insanity. These people are my family. All of them are.

I don't want to be the black sheep. Which is why I will push to get over this break up and be Nikole's friend. Because she grew to be family to me. Terri is still someone I see as a sister. And though I fucked her over pretty badly, I hope one day she'll fully forgive me. She's worth it and so I will fight for this friendship. And as for Liz, I've watched her grow into such a great person. I know we weren't always close but I feel like we have gotten closer recently. She is also family. We are a family. A family full of fuck ups and mistakes and heartbreak and anger...but we're also such a beautiful melting pot of laughter and smiles and tears.

No matter what happens in life or where I go/am, I never want to lose these people. I've lost enough people in my life and I don't want to lose any more. I'm not giving up. Not when it comes to us.

Suppose

I suppose you're right. I'm not ready for anything. Be it a friendship, a relationship, or...well i think that's it haha. Do I hurt? Of course. I have the occasional "Oh fuck, sad song, WAHHHHHHH" moment. But I'm not as bad as I was over the summer. I'm sleeping, eating, laughing, and genuinely smiling. So if you've felt any worry, please don't. I'm doing just fine aside from the girly moments I have. I guess pushing myself to be your friend is more so I don't lose you completely. Like I said when I texted you, I'm not trying to get you back. I believe that you fight for who you love but 2 people can only do so much.

And your heart just isn't in it anymore. I don't hate you. At all. I'm not even mad. I can't blame you for anything. And to be honest, I didn't break up with you because I couldn't handle the waiting game. I broke up with you because I couldn't handle making someone hold on to me. If there is any piece of me that hasn't changed, it's the fact that I want the absolute best for you. With or without me. And right now, and possibly forever, it will be without me. Well..until we're able to be friends. Because one day, I would very much like that.

As for the name calling, to be truthful, it wasn't towards anyone direct actually. It was just a way to make me feel better about my bitterness I guess. To blame someone else. Like I have been doing very well for the past year. But if it's something that has changed within the past week, it's knowing I have a problem owning up to my own shit. I always come up with an excuse or something instead of blatantly saying "yeahhhh i fucked up. sorry."

I'm also trying to gain my willpower back. Instead of going to someones house, I go to star bucks alone and do my homework or just bullshit on facebook. It is refreshing, I must say.

But I do miss you. But this time, it's different. The way I used to miss you was missing your lips and the sex and the moments we'd just look at each other...but now I miss you in a way a friend would miss a friend. I miss our long tangents about the same crap we always complain about. I miss venting to someone who knew me on EVERY level.

I think that's why its so hard when you go away. Because you're not like any other ex. The one that did actually mean something, well, there was quite a language barrier and culture shock so there was only so much we could understand. So I do miss you. Platonically, for once. The only intimate thing I miss about you is the way we cuddled. And that's because I felt safe. Maybe when we're ready, we could do that and have it mean nothing. Or, we'll never do it again but what a fine memory it will be.

So, I don't hate you. Or dislike you. The bitterness is more for myself. And like I said, I have a "thing" with blaming other people for my bullshit. Which, I'm officially in therapy btw. I wanted to call you the other day and tell you all about it and what my mom thinks. It's a long story. I just don't want to live a life without you in it. You've made one hell of an imprint in my life. You're just one of those people. I don't know if you'll read this or not. When I write my blogs, I write them as though you're sitting next to me and I'm able to say how I feel...but I never actually know if you're reading them or not. So when I write, I do write for myself.

But this, communicating like this I can handle. I hadn't been looked at your blog until yesterday and as much as it made me cry, it felt nice. Because when I write, its the truth or it has some deeper meaning. So reading what you wrote to me hurt...but the blunt honesty was needed. As for still carrying a possibility of being together, I do that about everything. There's always a possibility. It's not me carrying hope. It's just me expressing that life can go either way. I could even wind up with mariska again...well...no. no I won't. hahaha. But with you and I it's a bit different.

Just felt like I should explain myself a bit.

My old friend

Dearest Blog,

My old friend. My earth-friendly pal. I'm sorry I've neglected you of everything but sad and distraught emotions. I've not shared my journeys or adventures with you in quite a while. I've not brought color to your HTML and we definitely have not discussed the world which just so happens to be bright and glass-half-full like. So, here it goes.

Today, sunday September 26th 2011 I did just about nothing. I laid in bed until 11 this morning, took my morning piddle, and made my way to the door to leave my room...and then I turned around and laid back down. And there I laid until pins and needles made its way up my toes, into my ankles, and up to my knees. There was no discomfort though. It was like my legs were coming to life for the first time and the feeling was very much welcome.

Once I finally decided to stop acting like a lazy schmuck, I found myself trying to recall the night before. And sure enough, I remembered everything. Except where my car keys were. I didn't drive, but somehow I misplaced my keys. How that came about I have no clue. So I finally got dressed and pretty...and went to therapy hahaha. I was so nervous because it's been so long since I've opened up to someone I didn't know at all. My oh my, it was refreshing! She's a nice lady and though she told me a few maybes as to what my problem could be, she said it with empathy and sincerity in her voice. She held no malicious cell in her body. And it was gratifying.

The only problem, my friend, was that after I left I realized I was wrong at more times than I was right. I wasn't healthy. I'm not healthy. I have a lot of self work that needs to be done. Alone. And though I do miss her, blog. I truly do. I do believe that this happened for a significant reason. You and I both know that it hurts. But my heart still belongs to her. She still holds it's quite dearly. And when I'm ready, I'll retrieve it. If not, I'll try to achieve hers. But that will take time and right now I need to worry about myself.

Well, I could tell you more my friend, but I'm falling asleep on the mouse pad.

Farewell.

Apologies

I guess I owe an apology. Not for how I felt at the times of writing these blogs, because I can't say sorry for my feelings, but rather sitting there and making it seem as though I know everything. I don't. People change. You changed, I changed, my mother changed, the hobo on the corner who used to be the cutest kid in the world changed. It happens. And you didn't become a bad person. Not at all. You just became different. And that's something I have a problem with.

I don't take to change well. Even what used to be a cowfield that's now a building bothers me a bit. It's one of my "things" I need to work on. I'd rather call them things than problems. Because I'm not ashamed that I'm flawed. I'm just not happy with some of my "things". Haha.

But like I said, you changed. You became someone different. Someone I didn't know how to handle or try to be with. I didn't know right from wrong or left to right. I knew nothing. And so I changed. I became helpless and dependent because I felt like there was no other way to please you. And when I was independent, I felt like your lack of control made you angry. So I gave in.

Regardless, the end of the relationship was no ones fault. It was a game of tug and war. And maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe it didn't. All that matters is that it did. And I'm okay with it. It hurts, of course, but I'm okay with growing more. Alone. To give myself that much needed space to break bad habits.

You taught me a lot. But I still don't think we're done. I think we're meant for each other at a later date. And I very well could be wrong. I'm wrong all the time, haha. I just don't think I'm wrong about this. But it's more so just a think. A thought. A perhaps or maybe. I don't know anything.

And I'm okay with that.

So I'm sorry for the accusations and bitterness. I'm only human so don't take what I say too personal. Except this. Because I think it's pretty damn rational haha. I hope to talk to you someday. Maybe soon. Maybe not. Maybe in a few minutes. Who knows. I just miss you. Not in any way in particular. I just miss you.

How do you do it?

How do you let go of someone after 2 years? You said you wanted to be friends. You haven't even tried to talk to me. You haven't shown me that you really want a friendship. How do you do it? I wish I could. I wish I could walk away from someone you spent almost every day with. I'm jealous of your ways. Your cold, distant ways. I'm just baffled, I guess. Baffled by the fact that such an amazing person is gone. Just gone. And if it weren't for other people, I'd think I was crazy. That I was over-thinking it all. But I'm not. And so I can sleep well at night. Knowing I'm not crazy or over-analyzing this.

But god do I miss you. Not the intimacy we held. Of course I miss your arms around me and the way you held me. But more so than anything, I miss you. I miss the way we talked to each other and would open up and bitch and complain about various things.

I miss my friend. Try to be my friend. Try to be my something. Because having you as my nothing hurts more than anything. Just. Try.

Realism

The reality of it all is:

1. You've broken my heart more times than I've broken bones.

2. You hide how you feel while I let people see the pain.

3. I could've loved you forever but you're emotionally unstable.

4. You're so good at manipulating, you manipulate yourself.

5. I lock my door at night to keep the zombies away. I now also lock my heart to keep you away.

6. You're not who you once were. You were such a sight for sore eyes and now you just make my eyes sore.

7. Once you did start to change, everyone saw it.

8. You're heart used to be open and full. Now, it's covered in dried concrete and empty. A shell.

9. I became a different person. Some parts good, some parts bad. But I still always had the same opinions and thoughts about people. You, on the other hand, when from being sunny and bright to hurricane season!

10. You still think you're you. When really, you're not. People still love you, yes. I still love you, yes. You're a best friend who I don't consider a friend. A friend I've lost. A friend who's lost herself. But you'll never admit that.

11. I have a right to write this. I have every single right to be angry and upset and hurt and emotional and bitter. Because I'm human. And I admit that. But you're like a robot now. Never shedding a tear or an emotion. Opening up to no one unless it consists of bitching or complaining.

So, where are you? I'm on the side where the grass is greener while you're climbing a dead tree. I can't wait to show you the daisies. If that day ever comes, that is. But you'll have to learn to tie your shoes again, or ride a bike, or whatever other metaphor I can come up with until you finally reach this side of the field. Till then my love, my friend, my nothing anymore.

Realistically.

If it's one thing about loss that sucks, it's when you realize what exactly you miss. And it's never the big things. It's not the ring that was given to you, or the first time you kissed, or when you first said "I love you." No. It's never those things.


It's the small things. Sometimes even the most miniscule of things!


It's those 4am "I'm bored so I miss you more than usual" texts. Those random late night requests regarding how thirsty you are and they would pour exactly what you like. The moments when your legs would touch and you'd realize "Hey! We need to shave!" but it would be dismissed anyway. Some people look at the bigger pictures. They take everything in by size. And I guess in some cases, that matters. But if you're anything like me(well, the recent me) you look at the smaller pictures. The little pictures colored in crayon that look like a 5 year old did it. The kind of moments you wish you could put a pair of glasses on your brain so you can see and remember them better.


I miss those pictures. They hang as though they're in the worlds most prestigious gallery. Too bad it's only in your head. You walk throughout that museum in your mind and with each glimpse, you feel as though a shard of glass is entering into your chest cavity. You remember the times she gave you crap about your breath smelling bad in the morning. Which really just goes for about everyone. Except when she said it, it made you smile. When she said it, there was a way her lips and tongue moved in sync and it would somehow tickle your heart; causing you to laugh.


Or the day when you tried to make her a good dinner to come home to but you over-boiled the noodles, you put too much Italian seasoning in the sauce, not enough garlic, and too much salt into just about everything. But she ate it anyway. She ate it and she smiled and she even teared up a little. Not from the crappy recipe, but from the thought. And how about those days where she would tickle you, even though you hated it, just so she could hear your laugh. The same laugh she loved so dearly. The same laugh that would cause her face to light up as though it were Christmas.


You don't know what you have until it's gone. Until you wind up sitting on your couch with a beer in your hand and a drama on the television. And for some reason, or maybe for no reason at all, your mind just comes sweeping in with a tsunami of nostalgia.


That's when it becomes real. And it sucks. So stop being a self-absorbed ass, let go of your pride, say you're sorry and make a fucking cake if need be. Whatever the problem may be, let it all go...and just let it be. At least then if you lose it, you won't miss it. And most of all, you'll know you took nothing for granted.

If it happens to be too late to say anything at all, let it go. What you need to say doesn’t matter and will only make you look like a jackass. Or a psycho ex. If you feel some unbearable need to tell them how they made you feel, how they broke you and what you think about all of it, write an e-mail. Or a text. Or a letter. You could try making a phone call but 9 times out of 10, you’ll be directed to the voicemail. And you don’t want to be one of those people leaving a 12 minute and 32 second declaration of “I hate your guts. You’re a prick. Why do I still love you? Take me back! You suck!” on someone’s phone for them to listen to first thing in the morning. One thing you have to prepare yourself for is the worst. The one thing everyone hates. The one thing that tears and rips at our core and makes us want to throw eggs at their house and put bologna on the hood of their car.

No response. Not one word.

You’ll wait for a response, too. You’ll sit by your phone with a tub of ice cream in your hand as you cry to a new death on grey’s anatomy. Sadly, sometimes it never comes. Three days go by and you’re still hoping for them to respond with a “I love you. I’m sorry. I suck. You’re my Juliet. I’ll meet you under your window and recite Shakespeare until 4 o clock in the morning” sentiment.

But it won’t happen. Because this isn’t a book. It’s not a movie. Leonardo DiCaprio won’t kill himself for you and Ryan Gosseling won’t read the memories you’ve made together to you in a nursing home.

This is reality. And it sucks. But life goes on. And everything becomes okay again. It just takes time. And beer. Lots of beer.

Chasing Silhouettes

I'm not giving up. I could never give up. But I need to let go. Maybe not forever, but for now. And then possibly forever. Because I need to grow. And you need to grow. You also need to come back. Everyone misses you. The bright, bubbly, outgoing you. The you that makes my heart beat twice the speed it should. The same you that makes my lips quiver in anticipation as you enter my personal space. The same you that sees the silver lining in everything.

God I miss you. And dear, I love you more than I thought possible to love someone.

Come back, Nikole. The real Nikole. Unless that part of you no longer exists..

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Snap.

You say you won't come back this time. And I actually believe you. But I can't help but hope you're wrong. That you'll wake up and there will be some shooting fruition that goes from your ankles to your eyes. That will make your whole body tingle with faith, and want, and some sort of need. For me. For us. For all that we worked so hard for.

I tried. Everyday, I tried. And I never stopped loving. I doubted. And I hurt. And I cried and screamed and shoved myself into silence...but I tried. And though I'm tired...a part of me still wants to try.

..but how can I try for someone who isn't there anymore? I'm willing to try to see the girl I fell in love with. To the girl I know is still around. Somewhere inside who isn't willing to show herself right now. Not at this second.

That's who I want. And that's the pull towards you that I still feel...but I'm cutting that thread. That pull. If you ever want me again, like you have so many times before, you know where I'll be and how to reach me. You'll find a way. But I won't wait for that day. I'll live. And see where it takes me...

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. ” ~ The character “Rose Walker” in The Sandman #65

Chaos

Let me introduce you to my current state of mind through music. I don't know why you do these things. And I'm not sure I ever will. But I'd like to stick around and try. Though I'm unsure if I'm able to handle it.

So

ehhhhhhhhhhhh fuck it.

I prefer plastic over glass.

Well, not everything went as plan. Once again, I'm in the same spot as I was before. The difference this time, compared to last time, is that I'm standing. I'm not laying down. I said my peace. I tried to find a solution. But trying takes patience. And you lack that skill. As do I most of the time, but I was trying.

You say you don't think I ever loved you. That you never believed me. And if that's the truth, so be it. But my are you wrong. My heart has never actually slipped into the hands of anyone before. But you. You held it by the ventricle, even. And I didn't mind.

But the problem was that I became co-dependent. It's so easy to do so when you start to keep your mouth shut. And maybe that's where I lost myself again. But I now know things I didn't realize before. And maybe, if we tried to work things out, this could work. But I'm done trying. I've tried long and hard enough. You fucked up as much as I did.

So maybe, when or if you're ever ready, we can work something out. Because somehow I still love you. Because even after everything, I believe you're it for me. But you don't believe that. I don't think you ever have. We both need to live life apart. Figure out our own shit first. And then we'll figure ourselves out.

But I'm not waiting. I'm not fighting. And I'm certainly not dwelling. I'm going to live my life to the fullest.

I'll be around when you feel like talking. Maturely and peacefully.

Till then, my dearest. And if that day doesn't come, then I wish you the best. But my dearest you will no longer be.

Skyscraper

It's cold. Everything is cold. There's no warmth anymore. Oh how I miss the warmth. I miss the touch. I miss the feeling of feeling.

But I've grown so familiar with peoples backs. I see them all the time. They grace me with a smile but as soon as they turn, I realize it was only a grin holding a dagger within it's teeth.

Right now...I'm feeling a familiar feeling. And a familiar twitch. An itch. A possible stitch.

You say you don't know. You're not sure. You're not happy.

She says she's done. She's through. I'm a shitty person who pushes people to the back.

He said I was worthless. A burden. A mistake more so than a lottery.

And sometimes...you have to kill the tree to kill the roots...

Two peas in a pod? Or two crazies in one room?

Today I can feel my heart in my throat. It's afraid to go back to the safe place within my thoracic cavity. Because that is where you linger. Most people say they carry their significant other within their heart. Well, I carry you within every fiber.

But I'm afraid you don't carry me at all. I know a part of you does. But this time, I'm scared. Because before, I had somewhat of an inkling. I truly have no clue anymore. And for once, that's good.

Stick with me though, dear. I lied. I did. About something small. Practically microscopic. And I understand your reasoning for being upset. And you know where the root of this problem lies. But it's my lie. I said it. It came out of my mouth. And it's not something I can take back. But it is something I will never do again. Not to you.

But don't you see, my love, that your reasoning for your reaction is also rooted to a similar place? And though you take responsibility for it, it still effects the way you do things and see things.

I can say I promise, swear, solemnly swear, etc to try and get you to believe me. But that wouldn't change anything. But I'm asking you to give this pebble skipper a chance. To show you a more mature side. Just as I have done with you. We're perfect for each other because we have such potential to destroy each other as well. But now's not the time to self destruct and leave. You aren't dust. You're a beautiful crystal with cracks. As am I. Lets rebuild together. And though it will take time, I want to build up your trust again.

Be with me. Once more. We can smile and laugh at how we're even. Twice for a broken heart and twice for a broken truth. The third chance for the both of us. I fought hard to get here...I won't let you go so easily. Not over something like this. You have every right to scream and yell and hit me if need be. But it is not something that should kill off our relationship. Will it make it difficult, yes. But that's a journey I'm willing to take WITH you this time.

You are my dearest.

Cardiac Arrest

I lay here, pillow close to mind and feet hugging blankets. But my arms hold onto to nothing. There is no shape or texture that resembles you. And as I lay here, I realize...It's not only my arms that miss you. That are afraid to lose you.

It is all my senses.

My sense of smell is searching for your scent.

My eyes are in a craze searching for your gaze.

My tongue is dry and lacks an appetite for taste unless it was your lips it were to savor.

My hearing, though already pretty shabby, has grown into a white noise. Sick of the normal sounds, it tries to find hints of you. Speaking softly and sweetly. Oh that honeydew laughter.

My voice is a monotone robot talking into a microphone made of scrap metal.

Oh, and my poor sense of touch. The nerves are dried and withered. Waiting for a touch like water to awaken a blooming sensation.

I don't need you...but I've never wanted anything more. Rocks, pebbles, buildings, everything. Until the world comes crumbling down, I want to be there with you...I hope you want the same. And can hold on. And work with me through this.

Disintegration

These fears and worries are starting to build. They carry a weight I consider unbearable. With my back in constant pain and my tears a constant stain, I'm lacking confidence. I know we say everything will be fine this time. I know you say that this is something you want. That you're different. That I'm different. But I can't trust that. Not yet. And I only have 24 days left here. I know, I know. You're supposed to be moving to Gainesville soon as well but how will that work out? How will you even afford the trip up there? I'm so scared of you. Of us. Of the future.

I'm trying not to dwell on the fear. This may very well be PMS talking right now. Or stress. Because it's hit me out of nowhere. I know you feel stress and fear as well. I guess...I just want to get away. I don't know nor care how many times I've said it. I'm just sick of the intrusions, interruptions, and lack of privacy. Regardless of where we are. Be it your room, my room, my car, or out alone. People are always walking in, calling in, or speaking out. I just want to be able to come to your place. Or you come to my place. And it be completely our space. To lay with you without having to worry about anyone else but ourselves.

As hard as it is sometimes and as insecure and complicated as I seem sometimes, I love you. I am head over heels in love with you. And I would do absolutely anything for you. I guess I just need to know and feel like you would do the same. And I'm not sure you would sometimes. I feel like you're sometimes so easily distracted with what others are doing or what they'll think that you forget about what I might think or need. I'm not asking you to put me first. I know this is no fairytale. I guess I'm just asking you to try and be more serious sometimes. I love the fact we can act completely stupid with one another...but if there's a moment, let there be a moment.

I don't want to feel like this is all a joke. But like I said...this might just be PMS talking. Regardless, it's still something I needed to say. Even if you never read this.

I love you, little foot. I hope none of this upset you in any way. And if it did, please take a breath and try to see where I'm coming from. That's all. <3

Technical Difficulties

How can I breathe easy with a gag in my mouth? I'm sick of staring at my feet as I walk. Having to watch my step is such a dreary and lonesome way to live. I've not opened my mouth in a way to be deemed disrespectful. Nor have I raised my hand to you. Not even a finger. Oh but here you are spilling out words that sting like pure venom. They cut to the bone; carrying daggers along the way. I thought tonight would be different. A night and day away we spent from each other and you felt closer than you do tonight.

I'm not perfect. I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm going to be oblivious and forgetful and sometimes even bitter. It's called being human. But when I have to watch how I breathe, I feel a need to leave. To run and never look back. How can I be the bigger person when you make me feel so small? I would jump to the farthest end of this world for you but I will not be bound by ropes while doing so. This constant game of falling short has grown dull and disappointing.

I know you have a bad habit to break and I will do my best to stick by you...but I won't allow myself to feel like a child who didnt eat my vegetables. If you're angry, so be it. But it's unnecessary and immature to implode and then explode. You need to learn to breathe and calmly bring it to my attention. Whatever the problem may be. Because I'm not 12. I'm 21. I should not feel any younger or unintelligent than what and who I am now. I love you and I will stick to my word as much as I can. That you can trust. But you should also know I'm not the girl you knew before. And I won't lock myself in a room with a constant problem. I don't deserve it. We'll see...

This fear is afraid to be conquered.

Here we are.
Arm to arm. Side to side.
Grabbing at clothes with heavy breathing.
I can taste your breathe on my lips tonight and there's no where else I'd rather be.
How can I say this without being too extreme?
Can I call you my rapture?
My own personal inebriation?


It's strange to see myself in your mirror laying where I am. I never thought I would be here again. I thought we were over this time. That you were so set in your ways. That you could never look at me as the same girl you fell in love with. Oh, but here I am looking to my right and all I see is your face sleeping so peacefully. Your hand in mine as I write this. Which is difficult doing with just one hand on an iPhone. *I transferred this over*

You always say I can never get enough when it comes to us kissing. Well, you're right. I can't. The feeling of your soft lips, the scent in the air that changes when you get close to me, the look in your eyes, and the small smile that reveals itself every. single. time. That's what I'm addicted to. Combine all of those and it's as though someone shot me up with adrenaline. My breath is caught in my throat and my mind becomes nothing more than a blender full of mixed words. And for that one moment, no matter how long, my heart races. It's also the only time I feel excited. I feel like a kid who's going to Disney or a kid in a candy store. I feel things that I thought my father destroyed.

And when we cuddle, I feel something different. I feel a different kind of happiness. I feel safe, and warm, and free. I feel like I could do absolutely anything at that moment and nothing could harm me. During those moments, I feel loved more than I ever have in my entire life. No one gives me the feelings you do, my dear. No one ever could. You broke through an entire wall and saw me. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. And we've both gone through the worst. We know what life feels like to live without one another. Neither of us were entirely happy. We learned how to be content and accept that life. But for me, the entire time there was a piece missing. Actually, a whole fucking section.

We were made to find each other. To know what love is, what it feels like to really lose it, and what it feels like to get it back. You're my magnet and we're stuck together. There's no force big enough to take us away. I hope your plans to move fall through. I don't want to be seven hours away from the girl I love.

Thank you for coming into my life, temporarily tearing it apart and allowing me to put it back together. On my own this time. I love you, Nikole. From now until the day my heart stops beating. There's no guarantees that either of us can make...but this time, things are different. And the future we want together is looking brighter and more beautiful each day that we spend together.

Thank you for offering me menthol cigarettes that one night. Haha. <3 <3

The inevitability of our abilities.

Change is completely untouchable. We can try to hold onto the things in our lives but at some point, our hands slip. And everything seems to fall between our fingers as easily as sand. It's when we look down and see nothing that we start to panic. And that's the problem. It's not that we have nothing. It's just that we control nothing. People say that you can take control of your life at any moment. Well, maybe we're not comprehending the proper meaning.

To control ones life, entirely, means to control every moment, every step, and every change. Amongst other things. But we can't do that. As humans, we're bound to trip and fall over a small crack. Or find ourselves spinning within a moment to a point where we end up lost. Or we latch on to something so no change can happen without our will. But even then, there's a change. There's a moment. And there's definitely a step we shouldn't have taken.

I've walked far within this skin. Perhaps further than I should've. Or maybe I've just been walking on my heels a bit too hard. But the point is that I've learned. The hard way. I know what it is to lose a friend. To both life and death. To lose a love to finding someone new, and becoming someone new. I've lost family, money, happiness, compassion, etc. I'm sure I've lost everything at least once. But I gained it back. I always gained it back. The loss is always just temporary. At some point, there's a gain.

This time, I can't help but feel as though my gain will also be a loss. I lost a friend. A best friend. All due to ultimatums and misunderstandings. And it kills. Or rather, it could. But it won't. Not me, anyway. Do I think of that friend? Of course. All the time. I miss our conversations that ended with our silence and I miss our laughter that sometimes ended with our tears. I miss the moments that we're easy. When you didn't lose yourself so deeply that you lost those around you.

But that's just another piece of life that ended up being completely inevitable. Regardless of what I could've done differently. You would have never been happy. It was always something I did. Or something someone else did. But you never stopped to think that maybe it was what you were doing. None of us are perfect. We make mistakes. But you dwell and linger on those mistakes. You manifest them.

And it created a monster. A monster that taunted those without reason. I'm sorry, my friend, but I refuse to be a string amongst your bruised fingers for you to toss side to side. Let me know when you're able to accept the fact that I'm centered. I'm a neutral post and flag.

Neutralize the capsize.

These pages are turning much too quickly. The written word is unable to be read with your waves of wonder. I know what it is to feel alone. To feel left out. To feel like you're unwelcome. But you have to realize these notions are all in your head. There's nothing keeping you away but yourself. You refuse to open this book of opportunities. And it's saddening. The path you're treading on has soaked into your lower limbs. Making it unbearable to walk. I can't help but see the world crumble in your eyes as you fall away from me.

My dear friend, can't you see there's more to this dark picture? Can't you open up and look at the way it was painted? I know it's not how you wanted things to turn out. You wanted someone on your side. Anyone. But life isn't made up of sides. It's a collage of moments and mixtures. Mixtures of people, of voices, of sounds, of tastes. But you've stopped stirring. You've walked away from this pot to leave it burning atop a hot stove. And my, what a fire to the place you've set. But just because the building is burning doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

Your heart is such a wide vessel. A treasure, if I may. And it still beats strongly and deeply within you. But you've done such a good job building that wall of stone around it. A castle of cold winds and damp floors. That feeling in the pit of your stomach isn't from the people around you, but rather the thoughts in your head. You've been consumed by that demon inside. The true you is now considerably caged. Chains cross your arms and locks hide your smile.

I never left you. I could never leave you. But it's not you who's been shown lately. It's something much more than that. Or maybe it's something less. Because more would mean that you've blossomed. But you haven't. Your pedals have wilted and are scattered beneath your feet. Come back. I block away every tear that tries to stray. Every feeling of anger or depression that tries to drag me down, I pull myself right back up. Unfortunately, there's no escaping this chunk missing in my chest.

One more shot. That's all I can give. Because I've given it my all. But I won't live a life built around someone elses ultimatums and insecurities. I won't even build myself around my own. I'll defeat every battle with open palms and open arms. For you, for me, for my family, for Nikole, anyone important. But I refuse to be held back by anyone.

We'll see.

Excuse My Solidarity.

I'm so sick of being everyone's advantage. Being an open mouth willing to speak, an open ear willing to listen, or open arms willing to help. I don't mind being the one to turn to once in a while but I really wish people would stop RELYING on me. Don't DEPEND on me to be there at every turn. Regardless of who you are. Friends or family.

I used to take pride in being that person to turn to. To be able to take care of so many people at once. But every time I did that, I lost myself. Like right now, I feel myself trying to slip into it's safe place. But it's not safe place at all. And it's not something I'm going to allow to happen. People, leave me be to be happy. Infact, just leave me be to be.

Maybe the PH is too high

Resistance, resistance. Control, control. Fuck. How can one sustain the ability to fight every urge that consists of an action with the person they're in love with? How can you tell when the time is right or wrong? People say "Well, it will happen when it's meant to happen." I understand completely. But what if that moment was already supposed to happen and that moment was fought against?

I'm not scared nor unprepared. To be frank(and not bill haahaa), I've never wanted anything more in my entire life. The craving when it's that time of the month, or when you're pregnant, or when you pick up a certain scent is nothing compared to this feeling. This is more like a feeling of dehydration. I've been in the desert and dreaming of a mirage for so long. Until that mirage became a reality.

The only contradiction within this prediction(because a part of me knew it would happen) is that the reality is further away than the mirage was. At least the mirage would move with me. But with each decision, the reality changes. The buildings shrink and grow, the skies go through calms and storms, and there's a constant change in the wind.

But I won't back down. These are fluctuations I'm willing to deal with because for once, I'm 100% sure about something. I have no doubt about what it is that I want. That my heart needs. My soul has been searching for. And I'm not saying I'm not going to turn out being wrong. I'm only stating that I know what I want.

That's her. I want her. All of her. For the rest of my life. I want the good, the bad, the crazy, the completely insane, everything. I want to come home every night and kiss her on the lips. To look in her eyes and ask about how her day went. I want to wake up and kiss her and then five minutes later be yelling at each other about someone not doing the dishes. Or someone not communicating. She's the biggest pain in my ass that I've ever come across...but she's also my calm. She can give and take away pain within a ten minute span.

Regardless of what people say, she's my magnet. My soul mate, I guess you could say. Is she my dream girl? No. But she's better than my dream girl. She's real. I'm able to touch, and hold, and love, and speak with her. There's so many feelings and thoughts running through my heart and my head as I write all of this down but nothing will ever be good enough. Everything I write here will be an understatement compared to what I really feel.

I like you, dear. Oh, I hate you, darling. And these are things only we understand. :) <3

Booster Seat.

Oh, little one, your expectations have grown too high.
Oh, sweet child, maybe you've lost the hope to live by.
And maybe tomorrow you'll wake feeling refreshed.
Oh and maybe tomorrow your feelings will digress.

Your components are rusted.
Stuck and busted.
Light up a match.
Break open the hatch.

And if you find yourself by the shore,
Maybe that's where you'll find your cure.
Hold your hand across your mouth.
Keep the hush, ignore the shout.

Oh, silly one, are you sure about this?
Are you willing to steal true loves last kiss?
It's a whirlpool of maybes and you sit there scared.
I pray for the best, little one, because I know you cared.

Just watch out for the scars that have been created.
They bare the worst within this book that's been illustrated.
The pages are torn and tethered but are still able to be read.
Just make sure you forget the fantasies within your head.

Your eyes are strangely familiar.

Carry me on these open wings.
Fly amongst my voice that sings.
And if tonight should end,
We both can unwind and bend.

Be the sugar on the tip of my tongue.
Be the broken song I once sung.
Follow the light within my hands.
Hold me as we dance.

Swallow the fear that's racking your brain.
Fight that everlasting strain.
Let me keep you safe for the rest of these days.
The lights may be foggy but I'll clear that haze.

I love you now until the day I die.
Oh, and I could tell you about the tears that I've cried.
But I'm stronger now. In more ways than one.
I'll be your hero. I'll be your sun.

Because when I look at you, I see the stars shine.
I overlook the loss that once became mine.
But maybe that loss is now my gain.
Damn baby, you make me sane.

I could tell you over and over again.
About the love that I carry deep within.
Hold my hips as I sway.
Allow me to carry you far, far away.



It's simple really. With a bit of complexity. But I promise the best. I can't guarantee the worst. But I can tell you that you carry my heart. Always...

Hurry and stay away

Hurry, hurry.
The roads a bit blurry.
Your words, like nails, hammer into me.
Slamming into my skin, I feel a rush.
Oh crush, crush, crush me down.

Will you hurry and stay away?
Will you scurry and stray?
I hear the voices and they say
"Look at the game. Look at you stay."

And if you were wrong, how would I know?
No, no. I'm not letting go.
Tell me to move?
Fuck it. My feet are glued.

Ever felt a rush of wind through your hair?
Well, there's my feelings right there.
I'm climbing over walls of your word
To stand and scream where I should.

Whether they say its wrong, it's right.
Whether they can see, we're out of sight.
And if they can hear, they won't listen.
But my love, your heart glistens.

I'm sticking around.
Ignoring the sound.
I'm happy with my heart in your hands.
Lets prove them wrong while they glance.



Yep.

A personal epidural

Blah. That's all I have in my head at this very second. No good nor bad thoughts are overtaking me tonight. Which, surprisingly, they haven't in a while. But something is wrong up there. In my brain, that is. I'm having a problem pin pointing it, but I can feel it. It's lurking in the crevices. But like I said, it's not good or bad. I'm not too sure what it is that I'm trying to write here. I'm tired, frustrated, and certainly upset about certain situations. But tomorrow is another day. One of which I'm hoping will be absolutely spectacular.

It's tuesday tradition night! So, of course, that means I'll be surrounded by my girls, beer, and karaoke. I need to write more. I should write more. But I'm just too tired...

Two roads diverged and I can't be on both.

People fucking amaze me. I'm sorry I can't be there for you always. Regardless of who you are. My mother, my sister, my friends, my girlfriend, whoever you are. I can be there when you really need me, and I can be there to just hang out as well. But you have to look at who I am. I'm not the usual person with only a few friends. I'm that girl who meets someone and usually ends up having one more person who I consider family. Which, friend wise, my family is a giant fucking tree.

But with every tree, eventually, a leaf will fall. Sometimes, another will grow and become even bigger and more beautiful than the one prior. But unfortunately, sometimes it just dies away. There's no coming back. And that's not something I can help nor change. I have tried. Repeatedly. I have spread the love and devotion that comes with taking care of any garden, but if my flower just won't grow and just continues to wilt, I have to give up.

Well, I'm not so sure what that means tonight. A friend. My family. A leaf amongst my beautiful branches has decided to fall away. Again. Last time, there were things both of us could have changed to make things work. To make things better. But this time....I just can't. A true friend, lover, family member, whoever, gives no such ultimatum. You see, the picture here is quite clear. But it's also debatable. Some people may see my side as correct. And some may see me as completely wrong. Whatever the view may be, it's acceptable regardless. I don't expect anyone to think exactly like I do.

I could explain the entire story here. And I very well might later on. But right now, I'm just venting. I'm simply stating that I can't allow my heart to break over this friendship any more. My best friend doesn't understand me anymore. And will not even try to. You break away. You lack that compassion you once carried. That patience. I love you. You are my sister. And I never felt the need to necessarily split my time to be with you. But at the same time, due to certain situations, it has been called for. And I'm sorry for that. But don't you see that I'm trying to help you release your pain? To not have to stare at it in the face continuously and feel completely broken again? I've told you countless times before and over again that I would take away all of it if I could. But I can't. And you keep putting yourself in such a position that it's mind boggling. You don't listen. You haven't listened for a while. You see red. Whatever your opinion is, that's all that matters. And maybe that works for some people.

But get real. Welcome to life. To reality. I apologize if the person you dated in the past is still my friend. I apologize that the person you were seeing became another blossom amongst my garden. But these are people that were brought into my life and I see as beneficial. They all have some kind of characteristic that I'm not willing to walk away from. The strings of fate led me to these people. And I just don't have the power, nor the feeling of need or want, to cut those ties. Why should I? Because it makes you unhappy. You may be my best friend and my family, but you are not my world. The only time I cut ties is when I feel it necessary. When they somehow corrupt me. But that's the thing. It's me who is my world. No one else. Not you, not Liz, not Amanda, not Nikole, no one. Only me. And I'm not asking for you to understand the way I think and do things. But to accept them, instead. If you can't do that, like so many others haven't been able to do, then maybe it's best things go this way.

I'm sorry for hurting you in any way and making you feel less than your actual worth...but I'm not sorry for my decisions. I'm happy. And I'm so sorry that you're not. But you make yourself unhappy. You make yourself think the way you do. If you wanted an actual change and you couldn't find a way to help yourself, you'd find a professional to help you. But you don't believe that you need any kind of change. So until you do, I guess I bid you a civil farewell. A few tears to a lost friendship, but I hope you someday understand what exactly it is that I'm saying.